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Liquid Lipsticks By Chloe Ferry Swatches&Review.

Chloe Ferry is by far my favourite member of Geordie Shore,she is basically me as a person . She loves chicken nuggets,I love chicken nuggets. She’s an incredible dancer,I’m an incredible dancer. She gets a lil jealous,psycho and possessive,I get a lil jealous,psycho and possessive…you get the picture. Obviously,I FREAKED when I saw she had her own liquid lipsticks out. Liquid lipsticks are by far my most favourite formula and honestly, I only have 5 lipsticks that aren’t liquid.

I rapidly added three to my cart before they sold out. I tried to broaden my horizon and grab some very different shades as I usually stick to my nudes and browns.They are each £14.99, there is a variety of shades and they’re all cruelty free/vegan-which is always a nice bonus. I managed to pick up Beaut,Blush and Envy,which is the one I was hoping to get my hands on. I am in love with all three colours.

Firstly Beaut,described on the website as a classy red that is suitable for any occasion.  I’d describe its as a dark true red,its got a strong fragrance that I really can’t describe,its not an awful scent though. What you see in the tube is what you get when it is applied to the lips. Its extremely daring for me and I own nothing else like this but I am in love with it.

In terms application, I, as always, didn’t use a lipliner. I still don’t own a single one. I didn’t find I’d need one though as application was very easy. The formula dries quickly but not before you’re able to cover your entire lips. I would say more than one application is needed as it is a little bit patchy but its not that noticeable. It dries a darker shade of red which I expected but I am truly obsessed.

As for lasting,well..I struggled like an absolute bitch trying to get it off my lips. It. Would.Not. Budge. I was convinced my lips were permanently going to be this colour. If they had been,I wouldn’t have been the slightest bit bothered. I personally don’t mind that it was a chore to get off because it means when I’m kissing my boyfriend its not going to smudge or transfer!

Secondly, Blush! I was so excited for this shade as its a very gorgeous shade of pink. On the website,it describes Blush as their pinkest tone. Again, this is a very different shade for me as I don’t tend to reach for pinks but I’m chuffed af that I did. It also has that scent Beaut has..I still can’t work out how the hell to describe it. Unlike Beaut though,I’d say when applied on the lips it is slightly different to what you first see in the tube.

Looking at the product in the tube,I was expecting more of a dark matte pink shade and instead,ended up with a bright rose pink. The website wasn’t lying though,it did say it was their pinkest tone. It is very out there for me but one thing I noticed straight away,is how it makes my eyes look a much brighter shade of blue.

Again it was easy as pie to apply(I love a rhyme) and I only needed one coat. It was extremely soft on the lips and not patchy at all. Once it had dried,it remained a very similar rose coral pink and it didn’t feel like I had anything on my lips. This one was also on the difficult side to remove,but less so than Beaut as that is a much more intense dark shade. I’d wear this shade on a cute little picnic with my daughter whilst I wear a cute white summer dress. (Which won’t happen in the damn UK.)

Lastly, the one I was most excited for and the most me shade possible-Envy. I have to say this is my favourite in terms of name as well as colour. Envy. The website says this is their best selling shade and I can see why. It is perfect. It also happens to be the only one out of the three I purchased that is still available to purchase!

When I swatched Envy on my hand,straightaway I noticed this one was much runnier than the other two. Beaut and Blush are a slightly creamier consistency. This made me apply much carefully,I assumed as it was runnier it would bleed but it didn’t. I also assumed as it was runnier it may need a second or third application but just one did the trick! Envy did take longer to dry but I feel like that was better as I could easily go back and correct any mistakes. It also meant taking it off was a hell of a lot easier than the other two.

You can purchase Envy here.

I will definitely be picking more up from Chloe when I have chance,I’ve got my eyes set on Passion,Fever and Sass next!

I decided against uploading my swatches because they look SO different on my camera compared to in real life and I didn’t want to upload something that wasn’t true. I’m going to try and retake them in better lighting and then upload those here at a later date. I’ve been promising this review for over two weeks and every possible disaster including losing my camera charger as happened so I thought **** it theres swatches on the website. 

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Willows First Easter

As Willow is only 8 months,she didn’t get any chocolate eggs but my Aunt and Grandma both bought ‘baby friendly’ white chocolate so she wasn’t left out. She was more than happy to keep helping herself to it too. She also received her first dolly and a sheep teddy..which she is absolutely smitten with.

To mark this holiday with her,I yet again got her another costume…I’m THAT parent but how can you not? She looks so damn cute.

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I had so many more photos but I can’t connect my camera to my laptop to upload them as I’ve lost the cord thing! I’ll add them to this when I get chance as everyone has probably seen all these on my twitter already.

I hope you all had a good Easter with your loved ones and ate loads of chocolate.

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Let’s Talk:Mental Health Unit (Experience) Part 2

This is part 2,to read part 1 click here.

An ambulance was called and two female women came. They ran loads of tests,it turns out my eyes were still dilated from my overdose (on the 16th) and my heart/breathing was irregular. I was sectioned under the Mental Health Act 136,which means I was under police care and couldn’t be left on my own.

The police chased down my Mum and was able to get confirmation Willow was okay and able to stay with her. They had to do this to ensure Willow didn’t need to be taken into temporary foster care basically.

I was taken to Preston Hospital by ambulance and accompanied by a female officer,a male officer followed behind us in a police van. More regular boring tests were carried out on ambulance and in the hospital. I was discharged and taken to a secure,isolated MH unit a few miles away in Lancaster. I was detained and unable to leave my room. A member of staff had to be with me at all times,they switched hourly and had a walkie talkie with them incase I kicked off.

I was here for three days. I facetimed Willow about 3 times every single day,but the wifi connection was terrible and it would drop and disconnect every 5 seconds. It killed me being so far away from her and unable to hug her. I remember the first time I facetimed her after being away for awhile,she tried to grab me through the phone and it made me cry.

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Soon enough though,I was discharged by police and made a voluntary patient at a ward closer to home. I obviously didn’t really have a choice in the situation,I wanted to be home with my daughter but I wasn’t allowed. A ward closer to home was my best option whether I went voluntarily or not. The difference was,if I was to remain detained in the ward near home,I wouldn’t have been allowed to see my baby.

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When I arrived it was super late at night,I don’t remember much. I had to wait up for a Nurse to come and check me over,run tests-regular shit before I could sleep. The next morning,I was woke for breakfast and I refused because frankly I was in shock.

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The patient next door to me,came and introduced herself. She invited me to come and sit out with her and she’d introduce me to others. I don’t want to go into details of other patients like their names or reasons for being on the ward, but they were all honestly so nice and thoughtful etc.

Being the impatient mother I am,I wanted to see Willow and when visiting times came around my Mum brought her and my sister but they weren’t allowed in as you have to hire the family 24 hours in advance as children under 16 aren’t allowed on the ward. I was absolutely heartbroken. I saw my Mum though for an hour,then she left because she couldn’t leave my sister with baby for too long.

A nurse came to my room about half an hour later and said the family room was available for 20 minutes. My Mum,sister and Willow were waiting in there for me. I got told even though it was hard,that when my time was up I’d have to leave otherwise they would revoke my visitation rights.

Willows behaviour was very odd. She’s normally an extremely happy,chatty,hyperactive baby but she was so different. It was horrible having to leave her. It just goes to show that babies are more aware than we think and can be affected by situations they’re not used to.

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I spent most of my time alone in my room,I’d go out of my room at night when the main room wasn’t as busy. Plus I fancied one of the male night nurses so it was always great seeing him to be honest. I made friends and am still friends with one of the girls who was absolutely lovely and always made me hot chocolate to make me feel better.

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There was also a night nurse who plaited hair to cheer patients up and I haven’t had my hair plaited in so long,I genuinely felt like I was back in primary school. There was loads of activities to do during the day like relaxation classes,I took part in one. I didn’t think it would do anything but give me the giggles and I actually fell asleep. We had a pool table,tennis table and all kinds of other stuff but no one really did anything.

One day,I asked my sister to bring as many photos of Willow as she could find because I had a board in my room. I didn’t know how long I was going to be in there for and I wanted to make my room as homely as possible.

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One night,the same girl who makes the hot chocolates ordered Chinese takeaway and gave me a fortune cookie. I kept it on my board and I still have it to this day as I reminder of where I’ve been,it reads “Your future looks bright”,it really motivated me to get discharged when I was on the ward.

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I really wasn’t myself,I was constantly anxious because of other patients. Some would wander the corridors,yelling at people that didn’t exist. Some would stay in their rooms all the time and scream at all hours of the night. Some were incredibly violent and aggressive. There was such a mix of very different people with very different problem.

I was also the baby of the ward,which honestly worked in my favour because it meant everyone looked after me. The elderly patients really looked after me,making sure I wasn’t cold and always had food-I don’t know why all elderly people are feeders,they just are. The other Mums looked after me too and we’d often talk about our babies at home. The men often stayed to themselves and the violent patients left me alone,simply because of my age. If I was older,I’m sure they would’ve started randomly on me too as they did with pretty much everyone else.

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One day,my Grandma bought me some colouring pens and paper. I ran out of paper and was extremely anxious. Colouring and drawing is extremely therapeutic,especially on a ward with a shitty wifi connection. The male night nurse I had a crush on because actually hand carved from god himself gave me this colouring book,that I still have.

In terms of care,honestly we were just left to ourselves. We had medication times,where we would receive our meds,if we needed them. Some patients had one on one care in their rooms and others like me,were left to do there own thing.

When I was finally discharged;I was given one ten minute follow up appointment,where I was finally diagnosed with BPD and then dismissed. I didn’t even get a leaflet with information on what the hell BPD is,I was left to do my own research and everything like that.

2/10. Would not recommend xo

P.S It might be worth mentioning,I saw Willow everyday I was there for an hour in the family room. She was very weird in those days and for a few days when I got home.She was extremely clingy and would wake up in the night to make sure I was still there. It was awful.

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Let’s Talk:Mental Health Unit (Experience) Part 1

This blogpost is going to be extremely lengthy so I’ve separated it into two posts. My memory is extremely hazy/blurred for the days leading up to my admission and the days in the ward also so this is my POV of what I remember and how I remember it.

T/W: Contains information on self harm,suicide and other things readers may find triggering. (Anxiety,depression,MH,hospitals etc)

For years and years,I’ve struggled with depression,anxiety,self harm and suicidal thoughts/attempts. I know exactly when it started but thats a different story. When I got pregnant it seemed to have gotten worse and I was diagnosed with Prenatal depression. After she was born,it didn’t improve and I was diagnosed with Postnatal depression. (You can read a little bit more about that here.)

I’ve been under many MH services,councillors,therapist and medication but nothing has ever been beneficial.

That is just a quick summary of my history with MH before we go into my experience with being an inpatient on a MH ward.

On the 16th January 2017,I attempted suicide by taking a shit tonne of tablets. Long story short the ambulance came,run some tests and decided to take me to A&E. Further tests were carried out, I was put on a monitor to regulate my heartbeat and spent the night there. I went home the next day,where I avoided the internet and the people causing me to feel this way and spent time with my favourite human.

(Turns out I took a lot of videos of us hanging out and I can’t upload them to here?)

On the 26th January, the drama continued as Levi continued to tell me he loved me,wanted to be with me etc and then his girlfriend found out. I’m not entirely sure on what he was telling her but his lies caught up with him and I paid the price.

This is the real message that pushed me too far. I’d taken so much shit from him for so long,defended him time and time again. Forgiven him for things nobody else ever would have.

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Until she went on her rampage and Levi literally blocked me on everything,despite having a child together because he’s a pussy who can’t owe up to his mistakes,I didn’t know they were together.However,her boyfriend was coming to mine daily to ‘see his kid’ but still kissing me,telling me he loved me and couldn’t wait for us to live together. It completely fucked with my head especially after everything that had happened when I was pregnant. (You can read about that here *isn’t currently uploaded*).

Usually,I wouldn’t have given a shit because I am so used to interfering shit stirring little girls and I would’ve just ignored her.My friend actually found out and told me.There was a lot happening that people don’t know about,including Levi and little old me couldn’t take anymore. So I perfected my plan,route and escape. I lied to SO many people that day just so I could escape.

I told my Mum I wanted to hang out with my friend instead of going to my Grandparents. My Mum took my daughter to my Grandparents as they still wanted to see her-just as I suspected .I told my best friend I needed a lift to pick Willow up at the train station and she was happy to come along and take me there.

I know some people will be wondering how on earth I could just leave my daughter but in this mind frame,I felt like she was better off without me.

I bought my ticket online,so I wouldn’t have to talk to anyone and they’d be less likely to pick up on any weird ass behaviour of mine.

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( I screenshotted my ticket and again when it was activated so that if I didn’t have a wifi connection I could still use it.)

For some bizarre reason,I chose to ‘runaway’/’kill myself’ at Blackpool Pleasure Beach. Out of all the places in the UK? When I was little,my family and I would always go there to see the lights and I knew my way around,so it made sense at the time? It was like I’d entered some sort of vulnerable child-like state and wanted to go to a place with happy memories,somewhere I felt safe as I no longer felt safe in Manchester where he was.

Then I blanked out. I remember being on the train and just staring out of the windows. I remember arriving at Manchester Piccadilly Station and asking a man for directions. I remember arriving at Preston Station,about 30 miles away from home and being smacked with ‘numb’ anxiety. I really can’t explain the anxiety,I felt my self go pale and feel that sicky anxious feeling but I was still blanked out and didn’t care enough.

I asked a ticket inspector lady for directions,she told me I looked cold and that there was a cafe near where I had to wait,if I wanted to grab a quick drink. When I got into the cafe,I just stood there and stared for what felt like minutes. Turns out I was stood in the same spot,staring in the same direction for hours. When I eventually snapped out of it,I asked the man for a hot chocolate and he responded with ‘Oh you finally decided what to order?’.

I sat down and spaced out again,this time I was hearing white noise. It was as if all the background noise was just echoing super loudly. I barely noticed a woman,repeatedly saying ‘Excuse me’ to ask if the seat next to me was taken. I sat there slowly drinking my hot chocolate,staring at the train tracks and listening to the hot drinks machine,clattering of forks and trying to make out peoples conversations.

I went and stood outside the cafe,stared at the tracks again. I moved towards them,still spaced out. Still hearing the voices. When a little kid ran past me and somehow I snapped back to reality (oh there goes gravity-sorry really not the time. I’m a nervous joker.),the anxiety and panic I felt when I realised where I was and what was going on was intense.

It was the worst anxiety I had ever experienced. 

I was extremely confused. I didn’t have a clue where I was or what I was doing.I didn’t know if the voices I’d heard were real. I never got public transport,especially on my own. I didn’t even leave my house on my own or regularly and here I was on my own,in the middle of nowhere in my pjs.

For some reason,I still didn’t want to go home.Despite not knowing where I was my instinct was to follow the taxi sign,in hopes of getting a taxi somewhere. Where? I don’t know,just away from the busy train station.

What I didn’t realise was to get out of the station and grab a taxi,I’d have to walk past the same ticket inspector from earlier and she picked up on something straightaway. She started asking me questions,which I couldn’t answer because I didn’t know myself. She took me to management,who asked me my name and where I’m from. I told them I didn’t know because I didn’t but I said I had a baby at home over and over.

They took me to the police,who asked me questions again. They took my phone to get contact numbers off. I told them my name and I was left with two officers,I blanked out again and started to hear voices. The voices said my name,so I looked up at the officers and went ‘Yeah?’ because I thought it was them.

I had never heard voices before this and haven’t heard any since.

Update: If you happened to have read this back when it was first published,it has been edited ever so slightly to tell the true events of what happened. I was ashamed to admit back then that my ex was the cause of this as I had taken him back but I feel it is incredibly unfair for the innocent party (his now ex gf) to take the wrap for it.

You can read part two here as this post got extremely lengthy!

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Willow’s Seven Month Update

I know I’ve said this in Willow’s Six Month Update but the difference is insane!

She’s finally crawling properly!! She has figured it out and there is absolutely no stopping her,she is constantly on the move. You look away for one second and bam she’s on the other side of the room.

She can sit up without falling over! This also means we can finally start Baby Led Weaning! We got advised not to start until she was able to sit up properly on her own to avoid choking risks etc.

Willow is pulling herself up on everything. She has also started using the sofa to bounce..I am constantly running around after her,she is truly a cheeky little monkey.

She understands the word ‘no’,instead of listening,she laughs at you like the devils child and continues doing whatever it is she’s up to.

I think I’ve mentioned this before,she is obsessed with Poppy (the cat),she no longer pulls her tail and the cat has given her a few cat kisses!! I love it when my children get along!

When we’re handing her toys or food,she now says ‘Ta’ and its absolutely adorable! Or she will just snatch it and shove it straight into her mouth.

At her last weigh in,she weighed 14lbs 2oz and her cheeks are really filling out,she looks like a little chipmunk!

She got her first bruise! She fell over onto a toy when playing with it and bruised her eye 😦

She also received her first allergic reaction! We’ve known Willow is allergic to dairy and lactose since she was about two months old and recently she broke out in a rash everywhere,we still haven’t figured out what to though.

She is very cuddly and likes jumping on people and attacking them-so nothing new there then.

Lastly..

SHE IS TRYING TO WALK. HELL TO THE NO.

I’m sure there are a few things I’ve missed here and there but these are some of my favourite things she has been up to this month!

 

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10 Things I Do Miss About Pregnancy

A while ago I wrote 10 Things I Don’t Miss About Pregnancy…as bad as I made it sound previously,pregnancy isn’t all bad so here are some things I do miss!

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  1. Feeling baby kick and move. Straight up my favourite thing about being pregnant. The first time freaked me tf out but once she stopped,I poked my belly to get her to move again and equally freaked out. ITS THE BEST THING EVER.
  2. Eating whatever and whenever I wanted. Honestly, my appetite when pregnant was shit. Completely shit..I craved the weirdest stuff like Marzipan??and the excuse ‘I’m eating for two’ never mattered because I couldn’t even finish one portion. The best thing was when I got a craving I could eat it,whether it be 2am or 2pm and no one would say anything because pregnant.
  3. Scans. Seeing my baby weekly was one of the highlights of my pregnancy. Incase you don’t know,most pregnancies you usually only get 3 scans;a dating scan,a twelve week scan and a twenty week scan(gender scan). However,we had a few complications so I pretty much got to see Willow every week after 25 weeks and it was great just knowing she was doing good.
  4. Hair growth. My hair grew and got so thick during pregnancy-a ridiculous amount.  It was also super healthy and shiny!What more does a girl want? After she was born tho,I got it cut and I regret that more than anything.
  5. NO PERIODS!! Do I need to say anymore?
  6.  Making friends with all the Mums. Whether it be a mutual on Facebook,someone you used to go to school with or a random in the street,if they are pregnant or already have kids-you’re more than likely to end up friends with them. You will compare notes,discuss names,symptoms and when baby is born you’ll arrange baby play dates. Its like a whole new secret world.
  7. Baby brain. Even though I’m convinced it stays with you once you’ve had children,I can no longer use it as an excuse because I’m not pregnant and people just tell me I’m thick.When I was pregnant everyone would pin it on baby brain. *Sigh*
  8. Boyfriend talking to bump. This was one of the cutest things he did. He would talk in depth about all the father-daughter adventures they’d get up to and when she fractured my ribs-he gave her a telling off.
  9. Shopping. SO MUCH SHOPPING. I had an excuse to buy all things baby and myself some new bits and bobs for my forever growing bump! Another bonus is whoever I was with,often insisted on paying because babies are expensive. So..free shopping??
  10. NAPS. Do you think they exist anymore? Hahahaha.

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First Mothers Day

This post is a little late,everyone else has posted theres already but oh well. My First Mothers Day with Willow was one of the best days of this year so far.

That morning I didn’t have her as she had stayed over at her Grandparents the previous night,so I got a lie in and it was great. When she did come home I was attacked with cuddles and snuggles,she was super clingy and chatty as usual.

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My Grandparents bought me a huge collaged picture frame thingy,a photo album and had some pictures done from when she was a newborn in hospital. My phone wiped all of her photo’s from the first days off my phone so seeing them made me so happy,even if they were of my relatives holding her and not me,just seeing how tiny she was and how much she’s grown is insane.

It was a pretty normal day as a whole to be honest. We didn’t do anything particularly special like Mothers Day lunch or anything. But it was perfect for us.

She has completely changed my life for the better and I love every single second of every single day with her. There is no love like the love you have for your own child. I’d been told that ever since I was really young but I never understood until now.

The past seven months have had some incredible highs and some awful lows but becoming a Mum,has been by far,the best thing in the world.