I’m just going to cut to the chase. I had the worst experience with breastfeeding. It was one of those things that I just wanted to do so badly and in not doing so,I felt like an absolute failure. I felt like I’d let my daughter down. I’d read things online about how breastfeeding helped secure the bond of mother and baby and how breast is best and now I couldn’t do that.
I managed three days. Three days of pure hell and honestly,a lot of crying. Willow struggled to latch on,it was extremely fucking painful. My nipples were cracked and bleeding,they were so tender and sore to the point I was crying in pain.Then I get told,that I wasn’t producing enough milk and she was starving hungry. It broke my heart into a million pieces. My body wasn’t doing what it was designed to do and my baby wasn’t getting what she needed.
Determined not to give up,I tried a breast pump. All I can say is ‘what the f-duck?’. It was hands down the weirdest and most uncomfortable thing I’ve ever experienced. I felt violated by this weird suction machine. I started at the lower setting and turned it up to the highest…I got very little milk from both boobs. I was extremely agitated and annoyed by this because I just wanted to feed my newborn.
Don’t get me wrong,for some reason she managed to get the ‘good stuff’. For those who don’t know,the ‘good stuff’ is called Colostrum,its the first bit of breast milk your body produces. Its a yellow-ish colour, essentially full of goodies like antibodies for babies health and is often referred to as the babies first immunisation.
In the end,however,we ended up switching to formula. I was gutted to say the least. I did get over it pretty quickly though to be honest.
FORMULA IS BEST for me.
(I kinda thought it looked like she was cheering so..)
Throughout my pregnancy,I struggled immensely with anaemia and this continued way after Willow was born. This caused me to be exhausted and drained ALL.THE.TIME. Feeding with bottles meant other people could help me out.
When you stop breastfeeding,your boobs are supposed to leak for weeks after. Mine did very little leakage for about a week or two and then it completely stopped. I didn’t even need to use breast pads because there was genuinely no point.That just proves to me how little milk I actually managed to produce.
When I was unable to bond with Willow and I was diagnosed with PND. I blamed myself for not being able to breastfeed. Since then though,Willow and I have such an unbreakable strong bond. Not being able to breastfeed played no part in my diagnosis as I was more likely to have PND as I had prenatal too.
Willow latched on so much better and drank one and half 5oz bottles which is crazy for a newborn but she was SO hungry at this point. She was finally being fed instead of starved. As far as I’m concerned,that is all that matters.
Don’t sit there and tell me that breastfeeding strengthens the bond between mother and child. It is a load of utter bullshit. My bond with Willow is just as strong as the bond between breastfeeding mothers and their offspring.
In fact,I find it extremely offensive. Not just for myself and the fact I couldn’t breastfeed but for the many different parents out there. Gay couples,adoptive parents,the fathers of the babies..they ALL can’t breastfeed and guess what?They ALL love their children unconditionally too.
This isn’t to bash breastfeeding Mums in any way,shape or form so please if you do breastfeed don’t take offence! I think you’re just as amazing as every other Mum and parent out there.
I believe in terms of feeding your baby,you should do whats best for you and your situation.
In summary, FED IS BEST. As long as your baby is happy and healthy,you’re doing a damn good job!