I recently saw a woman phoned in on the show ‘This Morning’ and spoke about bullying and how it had left her son unable to leave his home from the age of 15. It goes without saying-I absolutely cried my eyes out because I always thought I was the only one.The fact it had happened to another person absolutely broke my heart.
Without going into crazy amounts of detail about it all,as I’m simple not ready to,I stopped leaving the house at 14. I’d leave extremely rarely,I missed out on so much. I would sleep all day and wake up at night,when the people I lived with were asleep. I never saw anyone. I was completely isolated and alone.
When I was little,I saw my Grandparents every single day without fail on the way home from school. I even lived with them for a little bit when my Mum was pregnant with my sister and we were in the process of moving house. I can probably count on one hand the amount of times I saw them during this four years.
At first, I cried almost every night but eventually I just became so used to it and so numb,I didn’t feel a thing. I officially left school at age 15 with no GCSEs whatsoever. When I was 16 and everyone was starting to go into college,I applied and got accepted. I thought it would be a fresh start,that I could get my life back on track..having not left the house properly since 14 though,it was a lot harder than I had prepared myself for. I managed about two inconsistent weeks filled with panic attacks. I only recall attending about three times and missing my first few days.
I stopped leaving the house again and just before I turned 18,I joined another college. I did pretty well,I lasted about three months,very inconsistent again and I was on medication to help my panic attacks but honestly, they did jack shit. I did meet Levi there but thats a different story.
I stopped going out again,the only way I’d see Levi is if he came to mine and in November that same year,I got pregnant with Willow. Being pregnant with Willow was the most nerve wrecking thing I’d ever experienced. I started going out more than ever due to hospital appointments,the only other time I went out was shopping for Levi’s birthday-everything else was hospital appointments.
Even now, my anxiety with going out of the house is absolutely ridiculous. I avoid certain places and areas to avoid certain people. Most people go out daily,I go out once a week and thats every Thursday to my Grandparents house,where again,I just stay in their house.
I would say I’m doing better,I recently went to my friends wedding despite the insane anxiety I had beforehand. I’ve been on a night out with my new found pals,I’ve been shopping outside instead of ordering online!!,I’ve eaten out,I’ve been bowling and this b*tch got on a motherf*cking bus-twice! and this all happened in March.
I know I’ve got a long way to come yet but my message to that boy (if he ever happens to read this) or anyone going through something similar,its very clichè but extremely true-it does get better.
Since having Willow,I’ve had to suck it up and push myself and I think anyone struggling with this should too. Which is easier said than done obviously(I’m still struggling myself) but it does get easier the more and more you do things. Whether you take a few steps in your back garden or go grab a coffee in Starbucks-every little thing counts towards getting better and beating the anxiety of leaving your house. In my case,my anxiety and depression came hand in hand,battling the anxiety side of things and leaving the house lifted my depression too because I was finally living a little.
Side note: I definitely still have down days where I just lay in bed and don’t shower etc because depression is a massive b*tch. I also struggle with anxiety and panic attacks every single day without fail because anxiety is depressions equally b*tchy best friend.