This post is inspired by the blogger Autumns Mummy you can read her post here.
When I was pregnant,I spent hours and hours searching for the perfect name to give our baby. Ever since I was little,I had my heart set on naming my children really unique and weird names like Siren,and still to this day,I see nothing wrong with that name.Levi disagreed with every single one of one. He turned around to me one day,out of the blue and suggested the name Willow Rose.
At first,I really didn’t like it. It was a ‘hmm maybe but we will find something better’. However, we didn’t and by the time our 20 week scan came around,the name just stuck. I tried so hard to get used to it and like it but I never imagined my daughter being called that? I always assumed she’d be named after a Disney princess or something.
Levi and I broke up in June,when I was 7 months pregnant. It was an absolutely horrible break up and all round horrible experience. He went from being my loving,caring boyfriend to an unrecognisable monster. I felt like I didn’t know him anymore. We are both equally to blame for the break up but he definitely could’ve handled thing a lot better. Within two days,he was off with other girls and it absolutely broke my heart.
He still came to most,if not all,my appointments. We would get along like a normal,happy expecting couple..basically acting like we had never even broke up. Then he’d go home and treat me like complete and utter shit again. This caused major anxiety. I already suffered with anxiety and panic attacks but the level this was at,was a whole new ballgame. Its easy for people to say ‘you should’ve put a stop to it’ but ask anyone he’s been with and he has a way with words etc,can twist anyone round his finger..and honestly,since the day I met him I was always weak for him.
Willow stopped growing,she had actually stopped growing at about 25 weeks but as we got closer to my due date her weight started going down drastically. There was talk of inducing me as soon as possible and all sorts of crazy shit. It was awful. She did start slowly gaining weight,but I was monitored weekly with scans etc to ensure she was okay.My anxiety was so out of control that I was hospitalised several times from June to August. I was diagnosed with prenatal depression,given medication and sent to a therapist.I was inconsistent with medication because pregnancy brain and I only managed two therapy session before the big day came.
Long story short,I had an extremely distressing birth. I really don’t want to go into the ins and outs of it but it was horrible. Levi and my Mum have told me in the past,there were several times they thought I was going to die from blood loss as I kept passing out etc.I say all the time I don’t remember it very well,but I do,I just choose to block it out. Its very hazy but I remember it more than enough.
I remember perfectly 5:23pm when she was born,let out a little whimper and she was born.(You can read more about that here.) but the aftermath was just as horrific as the birth itself. If anything,I found the aftermath worse. I kept asking when she would be here and they had to keep showing me her and telling me she was born already.
The days following her birth,I was in so much pain,I could barely move without wincing. I couldn’t do anything and I spent this time trying not to think about the birth.
I did get used to her name,up until a day after my birthday. We had registered her name on my birthday btw so there was no going back. I was still a nervous wreck,having become a new Mum,the pregnancy and the birth. Levi and I had been back together about a week and I received a message from a girl. I don’t want to go into details again but I’m sure everyone can guess what had gone on.
I can’t really be mad at him, for having a girlfriend when we was broken up but the stuff that came out made me sick to my stomach. Whilst I was having an absolutely horrible time,giving birth to our daughter and screaming his name,embarrassingly begging for him not to leave me. He was texting her. It doesn’t piss me off anymore,however,I still want to punch him for allowing this random girl to know information about my birth when my closest relatives didn’t even know I had gone into labour.
As far as I’m concerned,childbirth is a family matter.Its between loved ones and its supposed to a special,cherished and intimate time. I waited until I was home,to post anything because I wanted to have my time with her first. He had our daughter all over snapchat within minutes,again,before any of my family knew she was even born.
Even though we are back together now and the past is in the past. I don’t think I will ever forgive him for the immature,irresponsible and hurtful actions and choices he made during and after my pregnancy.
I started to dislike my daughters name again. I felt like I hadn’t bonded with her. I felt like he was trying to replace me as her mother. I was distraught. Everyone would compliment her name and how beautiful she was and I just felt like I didn’t care. I felt like I no longer wanted her and felt like I no longer wanted to be a Mum.
I forgave him soon enough though and we was together at Halloween,Christmas..all of Willow’s firsts..fast forward to what I know now. A girl he was seeing behind my back. Choosing her over me. Him introducing her to my daughter after they’d been together for five minutes,whilst I was still struggling to get a mothers intuition. Skip the stay on a MH Unit (which is a whole other blogpost) I am finally,finally getting somewhere.
Myself and Willow are more important. My mental health,my bond with my daughter,working on my future,just my daughter and myself are my main priority. I can’t say what the outcome is yet as I am still recovering and am on two new types of medication,two different types of therapy and still struggle to get out of bed some days.
All I know for sure right now,is that I have the most amazing support from all my family,friends,people from twitter and my blog. I can’t thank everyone enough for every piece of advice,guidance and love you’ve given me the last few months. I also know, my beautiful little baby girl,is a Willow Rose.That name was meant to be for her. It just fits perfectly like Cinderella’s glass slipper.
Update: Levi and I have since broke up again for good. He has a very negative impact on my mental health and I am still struggling with PND. Willow is 13 months old as I write this,I have good days and bad days but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!