This blogpost is going to be extremely lengthy so I’ve separated it into two posts. My memory is extremely hazy/blurred for the days leading up to my admission and the days in the ward also so this is my POV of what I remember and how I remember it.
T/W: Contains information on self harm,suicide and other things readers may find triggering. (Anxiety,depression,MH,hospitals etc)
For years and years,I’ve struggled with depression,anxiety,self harm and suicidal thoughts/attempts. I know exactly when it started but thats a different story. When I got pregnant it seemed to have gotten worse and I was diagnosed with Prenatal depression. After she was born,it didn’t improve and I was diagnosed with Postnatal depression. (You can read a little bit more about that here.)
I’ve been under many MH services,councillors,therapist and medication but nothing has ever been beneficial.
That is just a quick summary of my history with MH before we go into my experience with being an inpatient on a MH ward.
On the 16th January 2017,I attempted suicide by taking a shit tonne of tablets. Long story short the ambulance came,run some tests and decided to take me to A&E. Further tests were carried out, I was put on a monitor to regulate my heartbeat and spent the night there. I went home the next day,where I avoided the internet and the people causing me to feel this way and spent time with my favourite human.
(Turns out I took a lot of videos of us hanging out and I can’t upload them to here?)
On the 26th January, the drama continued as Levi continued to tell me he loved me,wanted to be with me etc and then his girlfriend found out. I’m not entirely sure on what he was telling her but his lies caught up with him and I paid the price.
This is the real message that pushed me too far. I’d taken so much shit from him for so long,defended him time and time again. Forgiven him for things nobody else ever would have.
Until she went on her rampage and Levi literally blocked me on everything,despite having a child together because he’s a pussy who can’t owe up to his mistakes,I didn’t know they were together.However,her boyfriend was coming to mine daily to ‘see his kid’ but still kissing me,telling me he loved me and couldn’t wait for us to live together. It completely fucked with my head especially after everything that had happened when I was pregnant. (You can read about that here *isn’t currently uploaded*).
Usually,I wouldn’t have given a shit because I am so used to interfering shit stirring little girls and I would’ve just ignored her.My friend actually found out and told me.There was a lot happening that people don’t know about,including Levi and little old me couldn’t take anymore. So I perfected my plan,route and escape. I lied to SO many people that day just so I could escape.
I told my Mum I wanted to hang out with my friend instead of going to my Grandparents. My Mum took my daughter to my Grandparents as they still wanted to see her-just as I suspected .I told my best friend I needed a lift to pick Willow up at the train station and she was happy to come along and take me there.
I know some people will be wondering how on earth I could just leave my daughter but in this mind frame,I felt like she was better off without me.
I bought my ticket online,so I wouldn’t have to talk to anyone and they’d be less likely to pick up on any weird ass behaviour of mine.
( I screenshotted my ticket and again when it was activated so that if I didn’t have a wifi connection I could still use it.)
For some bizarre reason,I chose to ‘runaway’/’kill myself’ at Blackpool Pleasure Beach. Out of all the places in the UK? When I was little,my family and I would always go there to see the lights and I knew my way around,so it made sense at the time? It was like I’d entered some sort of vulnerable child-like state and wanted to go to a place with happy memories,somewhere I felt safe as I no longer felt safe in Manchester where he was.
Then I blanked out. I remember being on the train and just staring out of the windows. I remember arriving at Manchester Piccadilly Station and asking a man for directions. I remember arriving at Preston Station,about 30 miles away from home and being smacked with ‘numb’ anxiety. I really can’t explain the anxiety,I felt my self go pale and feel that sicky anxious feeling but I was still blanked out and didn’t care enough.
I asked a ticket inspector lady for directions,she told me I looked cold and that there was a cafe near where I had to wait,if I wanted to grab a quick drink. When I got into the cafe,I just stood there and stared for what felt like minutes. Turns out I was stood in the same spot,staring in the same direction for hours. When I eventually snapped out of it,I asked the man for a hot chocolate and he responded with ‘Oh you finally decided what to order?’.
I sat down and spaced out again,this time I was hearing white noise. It was as if all the background noise was just echoing super loudly. I barely noticed a woman,repeatedly saying ‘Excuse me’ to ask if the seat next to me was taken. I sat there slowly drinking my hot chocolate,staring at the train tracks and listening to the hot drinks machine,clattering of forks and trying to make out peoples conversations.
I went and stood outside the cafe,stared at the tracks again. I moved towards them,still spaced out. Still hearing the voices. When a little kid ran past me and somehow I snapped back to reality (oh there goes gravity-sorry really not the time. I’m a nervous joker.),the anxiety and panic I felt when I realised where I was and what was going on was intense.
It was the worst anxiety I had ever experienced.
I was extremely confused. I didn’t have a clue where I was or what I was doing.I didn’t know if the voices I’d heard were real. I never got public transport,especially on my own. I didn’t even leave my house on my own or regularly and here I was on my own,in the middle of nowhere in my pjs.
For some reason,I still didn’t want to go home.Despite not knowing where I was my instinct was to follow the taxi sign,in hopes of getting a taxi somewhere. Where? I don’t know,just away from the busy train station.
What I didn’t realise was to get out of the station and grab a taxi,I’d have to walk past the same ticket inspector from earlier and she picked up on something straightaway. She started asking me questions,which I couldn’t answer because I didn’t know myself. She took me to management,who asked me my name and where I’m from. I told them I didn’t know because I didn’t but I said I had a baby at home over and over.
They took me to the police,who asked me questions again. They took my phone to get contact numbers off. I told them my name and I was left with two officers,I blanked out again and started to hear voices. The voices said my name,so I looked up at the officers and went ‘Yeah?’ because I thought it was them.
I had never heard voices before this and haven’t heard any since.
Update: If you happened to have read this back when it was first published,it has been edited ever so slightly to tell the true events of what happened. I was ashamed to admit back then that my ex was the cause of this as I had taken him back but I feel it is incredibly unfair for the innocent party (his now ex gf) to take the wrap for it.
You can read part two here as this post got extremely lengthy!