TRIGGER WARNING: Brief mention of self harm/suicide and other symptoms of BPD in depth.
When I was diagnosed,I didn’t actually have the slightest idea of what it was. I’d been told for so long I probably had Bipolar disorder that I’d just gone with that. After I was hospitalised in January,I had a singular follow up appointment at hospital. I attended by myself,this was the first (and last) appointment I went to alone. I waited around for what felt like hours,the woman called me in,sat me down,briefly covered my history and got straight to the point.
“You have Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder?”
“Also known as Borderline Personality Disorder..any questions?”
Yes?Only like a million like firstly what the fuck is that? but instead I politely shook my head and smiled. I wasn’t given a leaflet or any further information. In fact I was discharged from the hospital all together and sent home. I was confused and frankly a little overwhelmed.
I told my sister first,then everyone else and we all did little research on it. I don’t know why its taken me this long to look it up more in depth,I guess I just didn’t want to know with it being personality related.
I feel like everything that makes me who I am,is fake. Its like I don’t know me anymore. I am more than certain part of that is to blame on being in an abusive relationship. I know that I trust too easily and love too hard,finding out these were part of being Borderline broke me a little,I thought the trusting people and loving people were good aspects of myself but it turns out,maybe if I didn’t have this mental health problem..I might not love or trust as easily.
In a way,it feels like I’ve had some sort of midlife crisis at 19 and I’m trying to figure out who I am and where I fit in,especially since my break up as thats all I’ve known for over two years.
My ex made me more alarmed about it as he hurled a lot of abuse at me, saying I was a shit person and a bad person and this,that and the other. It made me question myself even more. He lectured me about neglecting him because I’d be distant and cold with him..unfortunately a factor of BPD,no matter how many times I tried to explain this to him he was just adamant that I am very fucking shit person.
Luckily,I now understand that my BPD is very unpredictable,extremely up and down. One minute I can be the happiest girl on the planet and in a split second be really irritable and moody. Everyones experience with BPD differs,although there are similarities there is a wide spectrum of people with different symptoms of it.
For me personally, my anxiety and fears are sky high. I fear people abandoning me and leaving me massively to the point that I bite my nails and feel physically sick with worry. When my ex originally left,I was so desperate to stop him from leaving that I did anything he wanted and asked of me even if I wasn’t 100% comfortable. He knew that he could use me and take advantage of me by using this fear of mine against me,which in my opinion makes him the very fucking shit person.
Another sign of BPD,is not having a strong sense of who you are. This one speaks volumes to me because frankly I have no fucking clue what my likes and dislikes are,its sort of like I am a lot of different people but I like to look at it as I’ve got a lot of different likes..rather than changing who I am depending on who I am surrounded by but at this point,I have no idea.
Acting impulsively and doing things that may cause yourself harm is an extremely common role and symptom. This is another thing I do a lot. It can be something such as betting or gambling money,which I thought I did as a hobby or for fun but it turns out a lot of people with BPD get addicted to it..so thats fun,another thing to cross out as who I am. But there’s been points where my emotions are that intense that I’m on the floor sobbing uncontrollably,unable to breathe and then I’ll storm out of the house in pjs and no shoes. Its terrifying as its one of the most unpredictable things about this disorder.
Its also terrifying because I’ll be “checked out” and not recall/remember things as they happened. The most intense experience of this was in January,where I somehow got on a train and ended up over 30miles away from home..confused as fuck. I heard voices an alarming amount that day which is another shitty thing about it. I have two blogposts all about my experience on a MH unit that talks about that a lot more in depth.
In my experience,I keep everything bottled up because people just tell me I am exaggerating or overreacting. Then it’ll get to much and everything pours out of me like an explosion and mind goes faster than I can speak and literally everything comes out at once.
Sadly, self harm and suicide is a massive aspect of it to the point that suicidal thoughts are a daily occurrence. I have gotten control over my self harming now, I have thoughts about doing it but its about whether or not I crack and cave in. Luckily,Willow is a massive motivational factor in not doing anything stupid because I know I’d lose her. This being said,addiction is another horrible addition to the list of shit that is BPD.
I’ve heard different things about addiction but I think it depends on the symptoms of the person. For me personally, I know that if I were to act impulsively and do drugs,I’d become addicted. Therefore,I don’t go near them, I haven’t touched a single drug in my life,that hasn’t been prescribed. However,when I was younger and housebound I used to wake up and overdose on my sleeping medication so I would sleep for longer and that is how I got through 4 years of not leaving my house. Any medication I now have is handled and hid by Mum as a safety precaution. Other people though,can literally just switch there addiction off (apparently idk the facts,I’m still learning).
The website mind.org.uk (screenshot above) have helped me massively in understanding my diagnosis. This above is just a few things I relate to and it makes me feel not so alone in the process. I recently spent a lot of money I don’t have after breaking up with my ex to make myself feel better. My ex often called me a child,infact our last phonecall ever,he turned around to me and said “You’re behaving like a child so I’m going to fucking punish you like a a child.” he also made me feel horrible throughout our relationship for being ‘immature’ saying he wanted to ‘grow up’ and I was a ‘child holding him back’. I think if he wanted to grow up so badly he wouldn’t be so quick to disregard others emotions and mental health but thats just me.
For as long as I can remember I’ve broken things off with partners out of fear of them leaving..it always end up me being the most upset though-oops. I avoid people,trusting and paranoia in relationships are just ugh. I have the black or white thinking-another thing my ex would practically bully me for. I am certain that the world is a scary dangerous place and I want to hide in my house from everyone and everything with Willow so nothing can harm us.
Mind also mention some of the positives,which for me have been very difficult to find but now I know my love is stronger for people because of BPD so Willow is basically the most loved baby ever. I am extremely empathetic/caring for people and will always try to help them and be genuine and sincere about it.
Part of me is sad that it took me this long into researching my illness because maybe just maybe,things would’ve worked out differently with babies Dad but then I remember the abusive side of it all. The fact he would purposefully put paranoia and anxiety into my head etc and I realise theres no chance of a recovery with people like him around.
This means I have to be extra strong and ignore him at all costs. I have to get better for myself and my gorgeous lil angel baby. If you read my thread on twitter (since been deleted) you’ll know a bit more about the ins and outs of it all, I think this break is beneficial for all three of us. He can work on himself and hopefully become a nicer better kinder person that I feel my daughter will be safe with and understand take time to whats important in life (hint:its not drugs or girls).