Why I Will Never Have More Children?!

Since I was a little girl,all I wanted was a family of my own. Me,a husband,7 or more children, a dog and a few bunnies. I was the child sat at the back of class and whilst everyone else would be telling the teacher their goals of being policemen, singers or mechanics. I would always answer “I want to be a Mum”. It was that simple.

However,becoming a mother to Willow has changed that completely. I might only be 20 years old but I am certain that Willow will be my one and only. My pregnancy,birth and first few months of being a Mother were completely ruined and destroyed.

My ex was a massive **** the entire time and only recently has started to be somewhat tolerable and mature. The stress of his behaviour caused massive complications with my pregnancy and everyone was pretty certain I wouldn’t be carrying long term. Luckily,by some miracle I carried to 39 weeks but complications still followed.

I personally feel that pregnancy and raising a child,is something you want to experience with the person you love and to not have had the opportunity to do that with my ex,honestly broke me and still to this day hurts a lot. I no longer hate him but I still hate the things he did and said-I don’t think I will ever forgive them.

 

When pregnant I struggled badly with prenatal depression,then after she was born I struggled with postnatal depression which meant I struggled to bond properly. Don’t get me wrong I still had overwhelming love for her but the motivation and desire to do things for her was none existent. I cried all the time and massively feared doing things wrong,which caused horrible panic attacks. I don’t think it helped that my ex was constantly putting me down,saying I was doing everything wrong like everything he did was right? Idiot.

The birth. I’ve put off writing about my labour and birth for so long. I have a draft on here actually called “My Labour & Birth Experience” the only thing written in bold caps is : TRULY AWFUL AND HORRIFIC. NEVER AGAIN. Everything and anything that could’ve gone wrong-went wrong. I don’t know if I will ever be able to speak about it in detail to be honest and if I do ever talk about it, I know I’ll be leaving out massive chunks. It was something out of a gory horror film and just no thank you. It was 100% worth it but the fear,anxiety and stress that just comes from the idea of having to do it all again is terrifying enough. My health visitor actually told me recently that its very bizarre that over a year later,I still remember all the details and have nightmares about it so..fun times.

Take it with a pinch of salt though. I would love, more than anything, to have more lil babies one day and maybe one day, I’ll finally forget the trauma- that was the birth of Willow.

It was so worth it. Meeting her for the first time,is unfortunately very blurry but I do remember the moment she was placed on my chest and let out a little whimper. I didn’t have chance to take her in properly as I was so light headed and out of it. I think I did actually pass out and when I came back around I kept on asking how much longer until she arrived and they kept on telling me she was here already and it was awful.

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People speak about that special moment where your baby is placed on your chest and looks into your eyes for the first time and you see eachother for the first time but I didn’t have it. The whole pregnancy I couldn’t wait for that moment. I’ve had loads of moments and experiences with her so I don’t feel like I missed out on anything,I don’t love her any less but that was the thing that motivated me through my pregnancy.

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Willow,well,she saved my life. Over and over and over again. When I think about all the stuff that was happening during my pregnancy and even now afterwards,if it wasn’t for her I would not have ever found the strength to carry on. I am so grateful for my baby. There truly is no love like a mothers love.

 

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