The Care Box Review

I haven’t blogged in a little while as I’m taking a break to focus on my little miss,however!!! When I found out my friend Amy (withlovealiblog on twitter) was launching these I was beyond excited and I knew I had to get my hands on one. Out of  the hundreds of people that sent forward their details to Ames,I was lucky enough to  be selected to receive and review one of her £5 boxes.

As the name suggests the is essentially care in a box. When I originally found out about the idea I was so excited as these boxes will help so so many people. From personal experience; I can get so unmotivated and low thanks to poor mental health days that I will fail to do basic tasks like showering,dressing and brushing my hair. I would rather sleep all day and all night than face the day ahead of me.(Since having Willow I get up and manage to dress her,feed her,play with her etc. I’m able to put on a front so to speak,but my own personal hygiene and health doesn’t tend to matter.)

Amy is aiming to launch these on her store (theCareBoxUK) in January/February 2018. You will have three options of £5,£10 and £20 boxes,the more expensive the box you get the more self care products you receive!

This post is not sponsored and being friends with Amy has in no way affected my opinion or honesty on the product. 

She said to wait a week-ish for delivery after she sent them off but I received the goods the very next day! They were sent in a bubble wrap envelope and was filled with lilac confetti and the products were wrapped in lilac tissue paper (aka my favourite colour) I believe this is just temporary packaging for the reviewers but I kinda love it.

Now, before I managed to take photos, my child grabbed the chocolate and it was gone.When I went to take the photos my camera broke again after I HAD JUST GOT IT FIXED. I am so mad but I’m sure all the other bloggers will have photos because they’re just better at this blogging thing than me.

As I said,inside the box was a cadbury’s christmas themed chocolate bar. Willow enjoyed it so I can only imagine how good it was. I was so excited for the chocolate and I’m low-key still salty my child deprived me of it..moving on.

We also received a sheet face mask,my skin has been so dry recently and I swear this face mask added all the moisture and life back into my face. I also managed to creep Willow out with it,she wasn’t scared- just incredibly weirded out as to why I had it on my face.

I don’t know why I’ve missed this my entire life and never known they were a thing but roll on perfume. I’m pretty sure its from primark along with the mask,though I could be wrong. It smells SO NICE,I’m in love with the scent and its so good for on the go.

A SPOT ZAPPER-F*CK YEAH. I was going to get one of these for the longest time as my skin has been awful. I ain’t used it yet but I am excited to see if it works.

Lastly in the package was a deep sleep pillow spray. I ain’t used this as I’m scared it’ll knock me out and I won’t hear my baby in the night,but I think this is perfect for other people who struggle getting to sleep.

Currently on her website,thecareboxuk.com she is dong a limited edition 12 days of self care for christmas so if you can’t wait for the big launch maybe grab one of the 10 boxes available instead?

I am so proud of Amy and think this idea is incredible. Its amazing to see so many people backing the idea and supporting her.



The Sunshine Blogger Award




I recently got tagged to do The Sunshine Blogger Award by the lovely Chlo over at tintsofautumn,you can read her post here. Thank you so much for nominating me!

The rules are that you recognise the blogger(s) that nominate you,answer the questions left for you in their blogpost and then nominate 11 other bloggers and ask them 11 questions.

Now on to answering the questions from Chlo!

1.What is your favourite season and why?

I love all of them for different reasons especially now I’ve got Willow. I love Autumn because Halloween, fireworks,roasting marshmellows, the fashion etc. I love Winter because Christmas,Santa and snow!! I feel like when she is bigger this will easily be  my favourite season because of her excitement and belief in Santa. Summer and Spring because of all the flowers,baby animals being born,easter,hot weather,the six week holiday-where me and Willow can get up to adventures etc. There are different memories and things to do with her so I can’t pick?? 

I made that question so much harder for myself that it had to be *sigh*.

2.Who’s voice could you not live without?

Okay so this one is quite difficult but the first person who came to mind was my ex. His voice used to calm me when I was struggling or panicking and hearing him come into my house or that first ‘Hi’ when he picked up the phone used to make my heart do somersaults but now it just terrifies me. However, I aint seen him in like 3 months so I seem to be living without him pretty well aha.

3.What do you love most about the blogging community?

The people. Everyone I’ve personally come across is so lovely and so supportive of eachother and everyone,its amazing. I’ve never been the kinda girl to have a lot of friends but through blogging I’ve met loads of lifelong lil buds who I adore.

4.What is your favourite blog post you’ve ever written and why?(link it!)

I’ll say my first ever post. I don’t read it anymore because it takes me back and makes me feel a bit sick at how drastic and fast things change but its nearly a year since I wrote it. Its the first post I ever made public,the first one that gave me balls and gave me the push to start blogging so it will always have a special place in my heart.

Read it here: About My Family.

5.What is the weirdest dream you’ve ever had?

I swear none of my dreams are normal. Some nights I’m a warrior princess fighting fire breathing gree trolls;other nights I’m literally in my room then fall through my bed Alice in Wonderland style land on some stairs in a strange mansion surrounded by Annabelle dolls red balloons and other shit I don’t wanna talk about. To be fair some nights I have pretty normal dreams where I’m a normal school girl and my Grandma comes and tells me I’m the Princess of Genovia and I get a sick walk in wardrobe.

One dream that really stands out for me though is a reoccurring one I’ve had since I was really little.I don’t know if its “weird” per say but it freaks me out whenever I have it as it feels like more of a memory. Its the same every single time,I’ve had it for as long as I can remember. I’m in the sea,bobbing up and down so the water keeps blocking my vision,its mute but a lot is happening around me. Its hard to explain but usually my dreams are in third person(?),with audio etc as if its a movie and I’m watching it. This one however,is as if I’m looking at everything unfold with my own eyes as I would on a day to day basis.

I do have a theory behind it though… I drowned on the titanic in a previous life *mic drop*.

6.Where in the world would you most like to travel to?

This is such a difficult question because I strongly believe I’m a little traveller at heart. I was housebound for years so I think that gave me an extra thirst and desire to get out there and see as much of the world as possible before I die. As I’ve got a lil mini me I’ll have to say Disneyland or word,one or the other! I’ve never been and I am the biggest Disney fan ever and I think experiencing it as a child would be so magical! I’d love to see Willows face as she meets all the princesses etc my Mum heart would literally explode.

7.What did you last watch on Netflix? (or the last thing you watched if you don’t have it)

The last thing I finished was Rick and Morty and I am currently watching Shameless (USA) and I am addicted. 

8.Favourite lipstick shade and brand?

Reign retro luxe matte lipkit by Make Up Revolution is my go to atm. 

9.The life motto you live by is…

I very recently found a youtuber called Ella Ringrose, who introduced me to three “quotes” to change your outlook and perspective on life. By changing the way you word things can change your mood and motivate you.

Instead of saying “I have to clean my room” you say “I get to clean my room” .

*I feel like this one is important as there are people out there who are unable to tidy their own rooms or go to work etc due to being wheelchair/bed bound and I’m sure they would love the independence we’re all so lucky to have.

Instead of saying “I hope I lose weight” you say “I know I will lose weight”.

Instead of saying “I should go to the gym” you say “I could go to the gym”

10. Who means the most to you?

Willow! (obvs) I didn’t actually know it was physically possible to love someone and care about someone so much until I fell pregnant. Since the two lines on my test,my whole world and strength has been her.

11. Sum up your life in one word.


I tag:

Sorry if you’ve already done it!! I can’t think of anyone else right now but if you’re reading this and haven’t done it..then I tag you!


My Questions:

  1. Who is someone who changed your life in positive way and how?
  2. What is your favourite disney movie and why?
  3. What is the first childhood memory that pops into your head?
  4. If you had £1,000,000 what would you do with it?
  5. Where do you see yourself in five years time?
  6. Do appearances play some importance to you?
  7. What was the last text message you received?
  8. Where would you like to visit the most in the world?
  9. What is the best holiday you have ever been on and why?
  10. Are you missing anyone right now?
  11. What are your top 3 baby girl and top 3 baby boy names?

20th Birthday Haul

On September 12th I turned twenty!! I thought I’d share what I got,I’ve been well and truly spoilt this year and I am very lucky. The majority of stuff I received is make up as that is what I love and am passionate about. I really want to expand my lil collection as I love playing with make up when I have some spare time and practicing,improving etc . I hope to one day to train with a very specific person aka my make up idol so I gotta get saving.

First up,I got myself the Soph X Revolution palettes. I did a review and included some (extremely bad) swatches in a blogpost here. I also have a giveaway of both palettes over on twitter @xleahprescottx until the 22nd October!


I’ve wanted the Huda Beauty Rose Gold palette for so long and I am pleased to say I finally got my hands on it!! I am so glad I was able to pick it up with my birthday money because I swear I’ve been eyeing it up for 1000 years. I love all the colours and can’t wait to start playing with it properly. I have to say I really love the box that it comes in with the holographic eyes. I love it and its joined my “keep this make up box/packaging because its cute” draw. I’ve also seen the new Desert Dusk one and now I kinda need that one too.


I was also lucky enough to receive the Violet Voss X Nicol Concilio eyeshadow palette. I haven’t had chance to experiment yet as it only just arrived but the swatches are insane. The Violet Voss Holy Grail is one of my most used palettes so I’m expecting big things this baby. Again,the packaging has joined my “keep this make up box/packaging because its cute” draw. I am such a weirdo,why keep it? Its never going to get used again?I don’t understand at all.


With the rest of my birthday money, I picked up five of the Nyx glitter pigments in rose,bronze,copper,ice and red ( I think). They haven’t arrived yet so I’m not 100% on all the shade names anymore but I am very excited. I forgot to order glitter glue though so I won’t be using them for awhile-oops.

I also repurchased the Benefit Porefessional and Urban Decay Naked Skin concealer as they’re my favourite things ever and I don’t know how to do my make up without them to be honest.

My friend also got me MAC Select Cover Up and Spice lipliner. I know my make up idol raves about Select Cover Up so I’m very excited to see what it works like for me.

(I am very excited about all this new make up!! Can you tell? Its all I’m bloody saying lol.)

I also got two blush palettes from Make Up Revolution. I am not a blush girl at all but I really want to be,these are actually the first blushes I’ve owned since highschool. I thought getting blush palettes would be better as purchasing indvidual shades,although there is a few on my list, as there is a variety of colours to play with and hopefully one of them will hold my perfect blush shade.

In fact, I got a whole bunch of new products from Make Up Revolution so that can literally be a whole other post…look out for that!

My Dad and his girlfriend got me two sprays from Victoria Secret,I can’t tell you what ones they are because I forgot but they smell so good. One of them is orange with cheetah print on the bottle and I’ve never seen those ones around before! I actually collect the VS sprays so this made me super duper exci-happy. It made me very happy.

My Mum is giving me money towards my next tattoo,which is a little more on the pricey side..oops. Speaking of tattoos @teacupbambi on twitter is also designing another very special tattoo for me in honour of my friend Emma,who past away earlier this year. (Go check out her designs they’re so good!!)

My Grandma and Grandad got me some really cute tops and my other Grandma gave me some money which will go towards my tattoo too. Some of my other pals gave me money too,which again will go towards my tattoo-I think unless I have enough.. then I’ll put it aside to go towards my dream make up course instead.

I think thats about everything,I’m sure I missed stuff out but I’m writing this almost two weeks later(also editing it a month later so yeah) I’m so so sorry if you got me something and I didn’t mention it!! I promise I love absolutely everything I got and I am super duper thankful and grateful!

(I used photos off google again as my camera is still broken!! Sorry if you thought my photography skills got better,we ain’t that lucky. Credit to whoevers photos they are! As its October I figured I’d get this up asap as its already been a month. I will change the photos once my camera is fixed!!)



Soph X Revolution First Impressions & Swatches

Recently one of my favourite youtubers, Sophdoesnails,announced she was releasing her own two palettes with the make up brand Revolution. I actually cried when I saw her announcement video because you could really see how much it meant to her and how hard she worked. I truly believe there is no one more deserving of this opportunity.

As a fellow Taylor Swift and Ariana Grande fan, my favourite shades in the eyeshadow palette on first glance were Pink Champagne and Sparks Fly. They are so beautiful. In fact,the whole palette is beautiful and genuinely just me in a palette..not that I’m saying I’m beautiful but basically there isn’t one colour I won’t reach for. The variety of shades,the many looks you can make from this baby-its my favourite palette since I received it.

I ordered them both and they took ages to come because I wasn’t in when they delivered first time and I was so so so annoyed. I was counting down to the day,the exact hour that I would be able to play with them,so that’ll teach me for “popping out”. I tortured myself by watching everyone else’s tutorials and reviews just desperate to be frank.

When they arrived I couldn’t wait to swatch them but my baby had other ideas and chose to throw the eyeshadow palette on the floor. (Noticing a pattern with her guys?Always throwing my new make up on the floor-she is a climber okay.) but guess what? IT DIDN’T BREAK. Hardcore baby proof packaging,god bless you Soph.

LOOK AT THESE SWATCHES. It is a £10 palette and so pigmented. You may have to build a few of the lighter shades but who’s complaining about that when its so affordable?

Screen Shot 2017-09-20 at 18.48.22

L-R: Penguin,Pancakes,Fairy Lights,Pink Champagne,Iced Coffee,Cuppa Tea,Grow Old,Sparks Fly,Smokey Broze,Mized Berries,Tiramisu and peaches.

Screen Shot 2017-09-20 at 18.48.56


L-R:  Cloudberry, Pumpkin, Pine Tree,Petrol,Pug,Danger,Strawberry Sweets,Festive Flame,Copper Coin,Mug Cake,Rosewood and Nightmare.

I absolutely love every single shade. Danger is calling my name,I can’t wait to create looks with it. I’m so boring but I always use red eyeshadows,Violet Voss Holy Grail and ABH Modern Renaissance are my go to..so yeah I’m so very creative.

I can’t wait to have five minutes to experiment with all the different colours and create some more adventurous looks, I want to bathe in the gold shades. The shade Petrol is one of my favourites,in the pan it looks blue/grey but is actually a gorgeous duo chrome shade with reflects of purple in it.


The highlight palette..I was kinda nervous about it. I built it up in my head that I’d only use the white shade because I am that pale but my favourite shade is actually the forth one across,which was so unexpected because it’s darker. I am actually in love. Its much creamier and more matte that the baked ones. I want to say no sparkles but more of a glossy wet look highlight.( I don’t know I’m not a MUA or anything so I don’t know the correct terms or anything but hopefully you grasp what I mean.) There are two of these,one more subtle sparkly highlight and the rest are baked highlights.

These have no names and my swatches were that terrible that I took this photo off Sophs twitter instead.

Screen Shot 2017-09-20 at 18.51.03

Then there was a restock and I bought another one of each palette for a lil giveaway because I know everyone wants to get their hands on these palettes. (Still waiting for these to arrive and then I’ll tweet about it @xleahprescottx)

Once I’ve created some looks with the palettes,I’ll add them to this post but having a small baby human and trying to do make up is so difficult.

Better Reviews & Swatches :




Note: I was so excited to use all my new blog flatlays etc and put insane effort into my blog like other bloggers but ended up using my Macbook photobooth because Willow broke my camera as one of my brothers gave it her to play with when I wasn’t around-yay for siblings. Hopefully,I can get my camera fixed asap and update the photos in this post,I just really wanted to get this up and keep blogging as its a good distraction for me and something I love to do.



My Favourite Eyeshadow Palettes. (July 2017)

I am a make up whore. I have so much make up, its actually sickening but I love it. I am truly addicted. If I did an Eyeshadow Palette Collection..we’d be sat here for at least five years so I decided to share the ones I use the most often.


I reach for my Violet Voss Holy Grail and Modern Renaissance every single day and night without fail. They’re very very loved and I don’t think I’d be capable of doing my make up without them. The colours from both palettes go really nicely with eachother and compliment one another.

For a typical night out,I do a halo eye as I find them quick and easy to do. I like to use my reds,browns and shimmer shades mostly..in fact most of my eyeshadow palettes have them..maybe I need to invest in something a bit different.



I religiously use the shades transition and hashtag for my crease,no matter what kind of look I am aiming for. They are the two shades I use, I find them to be the perfect crease colours and I love the two of them together. All the shadows in this palette are very blend-able and pigmented. I went through an extremely long phase of using nothing put this palette on a day to day basis.

As you can probably tell, I love the shades Toffee,Cool Beans,Glamping and Cranberry Splash..ironically all shimmers which is odd for me as I love matte shadows more than anything. Although the shimmers are highly pigmented on their own,I always take MAC fix + to make them stand out even more.

I reach for Brownie Points and Teddy Bear an awful lot to, just to darken any make up look a little bit. I love using Cranberry Splash and Wine N Dine together as I think they look gorgeoussss together.


Obviously, I had to include this beauty. Everyone and their aunt owns this palette and with the release of the new Subculture one..I have a lot to say about it.


Since these photos were taken,I’ve actually hit pan on the shade Primavera..which sucks because its my favourite along with Vermeer.I love them for highlighting and a nice shimmer,they just pop so much..so pretty. I can’t compare the two palettes side by side in terms of fall out or anything but I’ve seen enough reviews. Whilst this palette is pigmented and blends easily,Subculture apparently doesn’t. However, I find the shimmers in my palette crumble,therefore hit pan a lot faster and the fallout is ridiculous.

Obviously,this means when using this palette I do my eyes before my base so its not a big deal to me. I won’t be investing in Subculture tho because even though the colours look pretty, the price tag for something that poop ain’t worth it.

Again with this palette, I tend to reach for the shade Burnt Orange for my crease and sometimes Raw Sienna. Vermeer,Primavera,Buon Fresco,Antique Bronze,Vietnien Red,Red Ochre, Love Letter and Realgar are my absolute favourites. I really love playing with this palette on its own and seeing what I can do with it. So many people own it,so theres 100’s of tutorials online on what to do with it,the looks are endless with these 14 shades..think I’m a bit obsessed. I’m contemplating a second one so I can use Vermeer and the other shades still when they run out.


Too Faced Sweet Peach was my ride or die for a long time. Whenever I pick it up..I have to sniff it. IT.SMELLS.SO.GOOD. I’ve had it for awhile now and the smell is still there,still strong..I love it. Some people may find it sickly or too strong but I think it adds something more.


This palette is so stunning and I have no idea why I don’t reach for it more often. Well..I mainly got lazy,stopped doing my make up altogether and have only recently got back into it and am still being lazy by doing the same looks all the time.

I don’t really have a favourite shade in this palette because just looking at it,I am in love with the whole lot of them. Now that its the summer,I’m hoping to reach for this on a more day to day basis when I’m heading on days out to the park,the beach and things like that.  I know I’m going to spend hours upon hours playing with this palette and creating looks,I am beyond excited.


When I first got this palette for Christmas I wasn’t really big on make up. I don’t use it anymore but thought I’d mention it as its super affordable and brilliant for creating those simple everyday looks. I also think its perfect for if you’re just starting out with make up and want to ease your way in.

This was written way back in July but life got in the way and I lowkey forgot about it-oops. The part where I said I’m hoping to reach for Sweet Peach more now its summer-didn’t happen. Instead I got even lazier with my make up and have worn it maybe twice since July.. but to be fair I haven’t had the time with baby as she’s in a clingy always awake phase-not that I’m complaining! I love spending time with her.


Fenty Beauty (Primer And Foundation) Review

Hi,I usually don’t do introductions to my blog but I feel like I need to put a lil update here before we jump into it. I ain’t blogged in SO long but I really do want to get back into it. I currently can’t blog about Willow,which is kind of what my entire blog is on..so I’m a little stumped for ideas. I dabble in beauty/make up here and there so I figured  as my passion and love for make up is next level I’d give it a go. I love make up more than I’ve ever loved anyone (except for Willow of course)so it makes sense to me! Tweet me/dm me any ideas/posts you’d like to see make up wise!

Moving on,I know everyone and their Uncle are currently reviewing Rihanna’s make up line but I couldn’t contain my excitement or happiness with this brand. Although I only picked up two products,I feel like the product most people want to know about is the foundation. I was originally going to do a first impressions but I couldn’t put off trying it so I ended up doing it over on snapchat instead.

Honestly,I have no idea where a Harvey Nichols store is near me and frankly,trying to find time to go with Willow is harder than it may seem sooooo I bit the bullet and ordered them online. It didn’t take much persuading to be perfectly honest.I watched Jamie Genevieve’s video on it first and she had me sold,then I watched a few youtubers similar to my skin tone just to get a better idea of what shade to go for and the rest is history.

I spent £56 in total for both products and shipping which I’m not mad about. I justified it as my birthday (now been and gone) was the following day. (I am adult. Woo.)

When it arrived I freaked out at the packaging because its gorgeous..I seem to have a little problem with hoarding packaging but its fine because its cute..right?Right?

Anyhow the actual bottles that the product comes in is weighty and feels expensive. I unintentionally did the “kid test” where Willow ran off with them,banged them on the coffee table and dropped them-no damage whatsoever aha.

I originally swatched them on my hand because I really wanted to do a first impressions but I couldn’t wait to slap it all onto my face and be an airbrushed goddess.

I picked up the primer because in every damn youtube video I watched they applied the primer first and I was paranoid it might make a difference with the foundation..so yeah..but I’m super happy I picked it up. When I applied it on my hand my first impression was that it was super soft..it felt silky? and it smells so so good. I literally sat there sniffing it for ages because I love the smell,not everyone will like it but I do.

Later that night, I put it on my face after I caved and could no longer wait to play with my new babies and I kid you not,it blurred my face. My skin has been absolutely terrible since little dramas in my life and this baby just made it all disappear. It reminded me of the benefit professional in the way it blurred my pores. I feel like you could wear it on its own,if you don’t fancy wearing make up but want a tiny bit of coverage/an “invisibility cloak” on your breakouts/pores to hide some redness etc.

It left my face feeling amazing,I find with most primers my face feels silicone-y or sticky but this just felt soft. I am so bad at describing stuff..why do I even bother? Jeez.

On to the most important thing..the foundation. There are 40 shades raging from really pale,catering for people with albinism and super dark with every shade and undertone in between. I also heard she is releasing 40 more shades in the *near* future! So massive props to Rihanna for this alone.

I am so pale its unreal. I literally look like paper. I went for the shade 110,which I believe is the 3rd lightest shade and when it arrived, I took one look at the shade printed on the packaging and thought it would be too dark..I was broken but oh how wrong I was. For the first time in my life I can say I found a perfect match.

I heard people say the foundation oxidises but for me personally,it made the foundation match even better to my skin-if that makes sense? I’ve never owned a matte foundation before as I have very dry skin and always thought it would cling to my dry patches..I actually feel as though the Pro Filtr foundation was carved and crafted by the gods.

Its supposed to be a bulidable medium to full coverage foundation but unlike most full coverage foundations it doesn’t feel cakey or give me the urge to take it all off. In actual fact,I’d say it just feels like skin. I didn’t need to build it up but decided to just to test it out some more and no matter how much I built it,it didn’t feel heavy. It left my skin looking flawless and airbrushed which is exactly what I want.

For reference I’m NW10 in Mac or at least thats the shade I use as I’ve never been matched to be honest but it works for me!

I only left it on for about two hours before hopping into the shower but I’m honestly in love and looking at everyone elses reviews etc it lasts for a very long time! If you’re contemplating splashing out on Rihanna’s products just do it! You will not regret!

*Photos to come later as I have to upload them off my phone-yay(!) but you can look up swatches etc on google images or watch some reviews on youtube!


BPD&Me-Being Diagnosed

TRIGGER WARNING: Brief mention of self harm/suicide and other symptoms of BPD in depth.

When I was diagnosed,I didn’t actually have the slightest idea of what it was. I’d been told for so long I probably had Bipolar disorder that I’d just gone with that. After I was hospitalised in January,I had a singular follow up appointment at hospital. I attended by myself,this was the first (and last) appointment I went to alone. I waited around for what felt like hours,the woman called me in,sat me down,briefly covered my history and got straight to the point.

“You have Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder?”


“Also known as Borderline Personality Disorder..any questions?”

Yes?Only like a million like firstly what the fuck is that? but instead I politely shook my head and smiled. I wasn’t given a leaflet or any further information. In fact I was discharged from the hospital all together and sent home. I was confused and frankly a little overwhelmed.

I told my sister first,then everyone else and we all did little research on it. I don’t know why its taken me this long to look it up more in depth,I guess I just didn’t want to know with it being personality related.

I feel like everything that makes me who I am,is fake. Its like I don’t know me anymore. I am more than certain part of that is to blame on being in an abusive relationship. I know that I trust too easily and love too hard,finding out these were part of being Borderline broke me a little,I thought the trusting people and loving people were good aspects of myself but it turns out,maybe if I didn’t have this mental health problem..I might not love or trust as easily.

In a way,it feels like I’ve had some sort of midlife crisis at 19 and I’m trying to figure out who I am and where I fit in,especially since my break up as thats all I’ve known for over two years.

My ex made me more alarmed about it as he hurled a lot of abuse at me, saying I was a shit person and a bad person and this,that and the other. It made me question myself even more. He lectured me about neglecting him because I’d be distant and cold with him..unfortunately a factor of BPD,no matter how many times I tried to explain this to him he was just adamant that I am very fucking shit person.

Luckily,I now understand that my BPD is very unpredictable,extremely up and down. One minute I can be the happiest girl on the planet and in a split second be really irritable and moody. Everyones experience with BPD differs,although there are similarities there is a wide spectrum of people with different symptoms of it.

For me personally, my anxiety and fears are sky high. I fear people abandoning me and leaving me massively to the point that I bite my nails and feel physically sick with worry. When my ex originally left,I was so desperate to stop him from leaving that I did anything he wanted and asked of me even if I wasn’t 100% comfortable. He knew that he could use me and take advantage of me by using this fear of mine against me,which in my opinion makes him the very fucking shit person.

Another sign of BPD,is not having a strong sense of who you are. This one speaks volumes to me because frankly I have no fucking clue what my likes and dislikes are,its sort of like I am a lot of different people but I like to look at it as I’ve got a lot of different likes..rather than changing who I am depending on who I am surrounded by but at this point,I have no idea.

Acting impulsively and doing things that may cause yourself harm is an extremely common role and symptom. This is another thing I do a lot. It can be something such as betting or gambling money,which I thought I did as a hobby or for fun but it turns out a lot of people with BPD get addicted to it..so thats fun,another thing to cross out as who I am. But there’s been points where my emotions are that intense that I’m on the floor sobbing uncontrollably,unable to breathe and then I’ll storm out of the house in pjs and no shoes. Its terrifying as its one of the most unpredictable things about this disorder.

Its also terrifying because I’ll be “checked out” and not recall/remember things as they happened. The most intense experience of this was in January,where I somehow got on a train and ended up over 30miles away from home..confused as fuck. I heard voices an alarming amount that day which is another shitty thing about it. I have two blogposts all about my experience on a MH unit that talks about that a lot more in depth.

In my experience,I keep everything bottled up because people just tell me I am exaggerating or overreacting. Then it’ll get to much and everything pours out of me like an explosion and mind goes faster than I can speak and literally everything comes out at once.

Sadly, self harm and suicide is a massive aspect of it to the point that suicidal thoughts are a daily occurrence. I have gotten control over my self harming now, I have thoughts about doing it but its about whether or not I crack and cave in. Luckily,Willow is a massive motivational factor in not doing anything stupid because I know I’d lose her. This being said,addiction is another horrible addition to the list of shit that is BPD.

I’ve heard different things about addiction but I think it depends on the symptoms of the person. For me personally, I know that if I were to act impulsively and do drugs,I’d become addicted. Therefore,I don’t go near them, I haven’t touched a single drug in my life,that hasn’t been prescribed. However,when I was younger and housebound I used to wake up and overdose on my sleeping medication so I would sleep for longer and that is how I got through 4 years of not leaving my house. Any medication I now have is handled and hid by Mum as a safety precaution. Other people though,can literally just switch there addiction off (apparently idk the facts,I’m still learning).

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The website mind.org.uk (screenshot above) have helped me massively in understanding my diagnosis. This above is just a few things I relate to and it makes me feel not so alone in the process. I recently spent a lot of money I don’t have after breaking up with my ex to make myself feel better. My ex often called me a child,infact our last phonecall ever,he turned around to me and said “You’re behaving like a child so I’m going to fucking punish you like a a child.” he also made me feel horrible throughout our relationship for being ‘immature’ saying he wanted to ‘grow up’ and I was a ‘child holding him back’. I think if he wanted to grow up so badly he wouldn’t be so quick to disregard others emotions and mental  health but thats just me.

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For as long as I can remember I’ve broken things off with partners out of fear of them leaving..it always end up me being the most upset though-oops. I avoid people,trusting and paranoia in relationships are just ugh. I have the black or white thinking-another thing my ex would practically bully me for. I am certain that the world is a scary dangerous place and I want to hide in my house from everyone and everything with Willow so nothing can harm us.

Mind also mention some of the positives,which for me have been very difficult to find but now I know my love is stronger for people because of BPD so Willow is basically the most loved baby ever. I am extremely empathetic/caring for people and will always try to help them and be genuine and sincere about it.

Part of me is sad that it took me this long into researching my illness because maybe just maybe,things would’ve worked out differently with babies Dad but then I remember the abusive side of it all. The fact he would purposefully put paranoia and anxiety into my head etc and I realise theres no chance of a recovery with people like him around.

This means I have to be extra strong and ignore him at all costs. I have to get better for myself and my gorgeous lil angel baby. If you read my thread on twitter (since been deleted) you’ll know a bit more about the ins and outs of it all, I think this break is beneficial for all three of us. He can work on himself and hopefully become a nicer better kinder person that I feel my daughter will be safe with and understand take time to whats important in life (hint:its not drugs or girls).