Why I Will Never Have More Children?!

Since I was a little girl,all I wanted was a family of my own. Me,a husband,7 or more children, a dog and a few bunnies. I was the child sat at the back of class and whilst everyone else would be telling the teacher their goals of being policemen, singers or mechanics. I would always answer “I want to be a Mum”. It was that simple.

However,becoming a mother to Willow has changed that completely. I might only be 20 years old but I am certain that Willow will be my one and only. My pregnancy,birth and first few months of being a Mother were completely ruined and destroyed.

My ex was a massive **** the entire time and only recently has started to be somewhat tolerable and mature. The stress of his behaviour caused massive complications with my pregnancy and everyone was pretty certain I wouldn’t be carrying long term. Luckily,by some miracle I carried to 39 weeks but complications still followed.

I personally feel that pregnancy and raising a child,is something you want to experience with the person you love and to not have had the opportunity to do that with my ex,honestly broke me and still to this day hurts a lot. I no longer hate him but I still hate the things he did and said-I don’t think I will ever forgive them.


When pregnant I struggled badly with prenatal depression,then after she was born I struggled with postnatal depression which meant I struggled to bond properly. Don’t get me wrong I still had overwhelming love for her but the motivation and desire to do things for her was none existent. I cried all the time and massively feared doing things wrong,which caused horrible panic attacks. I don’t think it helped that my ex was constantly putting me down,saying I was doing everything wrong like everything he did was right? Idiot.

The birth. I’ve put off writing about my labour and birth for so long. I have a draft on here actually called “My Labour & Birth Experience” the only thing written in bold caps is : TRULY AWFUL AND HORRIFIC. NEVER AGAIN. Everything and anything that could’ve gone wrong-went wrong. I don’t know if I will ever be able to speak about it in detail to be honest and if I do ever talk about it, I know I’ll be leaving out massive chunks. It was something out of a gory horror film and just no thank you. It was 100% worth it but the fear,anxiety and stress that just comes from the idea of having to do it all again is terrifying enough. My health visitor actually told me recently that its very bizarre that over a year later,I still remember all the details and have nightmares about it so..fun times.

Take it with a pinch of salt though. I would love, more than anything, to have more lil babies one day and maybe one day, I’ll finally forget the trauma- that was the birth of Willow.

It was so worth it. Meeting her for the first time,is unfortunately very blurry but I do remember the moment she was placed on my chest and let out a little whimper. I didn’t have chance to take her in properly as I was so light headed and out of it. I think I did actually pass out and when I came back around I kept on asking how much longer until she arrived and they kept on telling me she was here already and it was awful.

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People speak about that special moment where your baby is placed on your chest and looks into your eyes for the first time and you see eachother for the first time but I didn’t have it. The whole pregnancy I couldn’t wait for that moment. I’ve had loads of moments and experiences with her so I don’t feel like I missed out on anything,I don’t love her any less but that was the thing that motivated me through my pregnancy.


Willow,well,she saved my life. Over and over and over again. When I think about all the stuff that was happening during my pregnancy and even now afterwards,if it wasn’t for her I would not have ever found the strength to carry on. I am so grateful for my baby. There truly is no love like a mothers love.




The Sunshine Blogger Award




I recently got tagged to do The Sunshine Blogger Award by the lovely Chlo over at tintsofautumn,you can read her post here. Thank you so much for nominating me!

The rules are that you recognise the blogger(s) that nominate you,answer the questions left for you in their blogpost and then nominate 11 other bloggers and ask them 11 questions.

Now on to answering the questions from Chlo!

1.What is your favourite season and why?

I love all of them for different reasons especially now I’ve got Willow. I love Autumn because Halloween, fireworks,roasting marshmellows, the fashion etc. I love Winter because Christmas,Santa and snow!! I feel like when she is bigger this will easily be  my favourite season because of her excitement and belief in Santa. Summer and Spring because of all the flowers,baby animals being born,easter,hot weather,the six week holiday-where me and Willow can get up to adventures etc. There are different memories and things to do with her so I can’t pick?? 

I made that question so much harder for myself that it had to be *sigh*.

2.Who’s voice could you not live without?

Okay so this one is quite difficult but the first person who came to mind was my ex. His voice used to calm me when I was struggling or panicking and hearing him come into my house or that first ‘Hi’ when he picked up the phone used to make my heart do somersaults but now it just terrifies me. However, I aint seen him in like 3 months so I seem to be living without him pretty well aha.

3.What do you love most about the blogging community?

The people. Everyone I’ve personally come across is so lovely and so supportive of eachother and everyone,its amazing. I’ve never been the kinda girl to have a lot of friends but through blogging I’ve met loads of lifelong lil buds who I adore.

4.What is your favourite blog post you’ve ever written and why?(link it!)

I’ll say my first ever post. I don’t read it anymore because it takes me back and makes me feel a bit sick at how drastic and fast things change but its nearly a year since I wrote it. Its the first post I ever made public,the first one that gave me balls and gave me the push to start blogging so it will always have a special place in my heart.

Read it here: About My Family.

5.What is the weirdest dream you’ve ever had?

I swear none of my dreams are normal. Some nights I’m a warrior princess fighting fire breathing gree trolls;other nights I’m literally in my room then fall through my bed Alice in Wonderland style land on some stairs in a strange mansion surrounded by Annabelle dolls red balloons and other shit I don’t wanna talk about. To be fair some nights I have pretty normal dreams where I’m a normal school girl and my Grandma comes and tells me I’m the Princess of Genovia and I get a sick walk in wardrobe.

One dream that really stands out for me though is a reoccurring one I’ve had since I was really little.I don’t know if its “weird” per say but it freaks me out whenever I have it as it feels like more of a memory. Its the same every single time,I’ve had it for as long as I can remember. I’m in the sea,bobbing up and down so the water keeps blocking my vision,its mute but a lot is happening around me. Its hard to explain but usually my dreams are in third person(?),with audio etc as if its a movie and I’m watching it. This one however,is as if I’m looking at everything unfold with my own eyes as I would on a day to day basis.

I do have a theory behind it though… I drowned on the titanic in a previous life *mic drop*.

6.Where in the world would you most like to travel to?

This is such a difficult question because I strongly believe I’m a little traveller at heart. I was housebound for years so I think that gave me an extra thirst and desire to get out there and see as much of the world as possible before I die. As I’ve got a lil mini me I’ll have to say Disneyland or word,one or the other! I’ve never been and I am the biggest Disney fan ever and I think experiencing it as a child would be so magical! I’d love to see Willows face as she meets all the princesses etc my Mum heart would literally explode.

7.What did you last watch on Netflix? (or the last thing you watched if you don’t have it)

The last thing I finished was Rick and Morty and I am currently watching Shameless (USA) and I am addicted. 

8.Favourite lipstick shade and brand?

Reign retro luxe matte lipkit by Make Up Revolution is my go to atm. 

9.The life motto you live by is…

I very recently found a youtuber called Ella Ringrose, who introduced me to three “quotes” to change your outlook and perspective on life. By changing the way you word things can change your mood and motivate you.

Instead of saying “I have to clean my room” you say “I get to clean my room” .

*I feel like this one is important as there are people out there who are unable to tidy their own rooms or go to work etc due to being wheelchair/bed bound and I’m sure they would love the independence we’re all so lucky to have.

Instead of saying “I hope I lose weight” you say “I know I will lose weight”.

Instead of saying “I should go to the gym” you say “I could go to the gym”

10. Who means the most to you?

Willow! (obvs) I didn’t actually know it was physically possible to love someone and care about someone so much until I fell pregnant. Since the two lines on my test,my whole world and strength has been her.

11. Sum up your life in one word.


I tag:

Sorry if you’ve already done it!! I can’t think of anyone else right now but if you’re reading this and haven’t done it..then I tag you!


My Questions:

  1. Who is someone who changed your life in positive way and how?
  2. What is your favourite disney movie and why?
  3. What is the first childhood memory that pops into your head?
  4. If you had £1,000,000 what would you do with it?
  5. Where do you see yourself in five years time?
  6. Do appearances play some importance to you?
  7. What was the last text message you received?
  8. Where would you like to visit the most in the world?
  9. What is the best holiday you have ever been on and why?
  10. Are you missing anyone right now?
  11. What are your top 3 baby girl and top 3 baby boy names?

My Favourite Eyeshadow Palettes. (July 2017)

I am a make up whore. I have so much make up, its actually sickening but I love it. I am truly addicted. If I did an Eyeshadow Palette Collection..we’d be sat here for at least five years so I decided to share the ones I use the most often.


I reach for my Violet Voss Holy Grail and Modern Renaissance every single day and night without fail. They’re very very loved and I don’t think I’d be capable of doing my make up without them. The colours from both palettes go really nicely with eachother and compliment one another.

For a typical night out,I do a halo eye as I find them quick and easy to do. I like to use my reds,browns and shimmer shades mostly..in fact most of my eyeshadow palettes have them..maybe I need to invest in something a bit different.



I religiously use the shades transition and hashtag for my crease,no matter what kind of look I am aiming for. They are the two shades I use, I find them to be the perfect crease colours and I love the two of them together. All the shadows in this palette are very blend-able and pigmented. I went through an extremely long phase of using nothing put this palette on a day to day basis.

As you can probably tell, I love the shades Toffee,Cool Beans,Glamping and Cranberry Splash..ironically all shimmers which is odd for me as I love matte shadows more than anything. Although the shimmers are highly pigmented on their own,I always take MAC fix + to make them stand out even more.

I reach for Brownie Points and Teddy Bear an awful lot to, just to darken any make up look a little bit. I love using Cranberry Splash and Wine N Dine together as I think they look gorgeoussss together.


Obviously, I had to include this beauty. Everyone and their aunt owns this palette and with the release of the new Subculture one..I have a lot to say about it.


Since these photos were taken,I’ve actually hit pan on the shade Primavera..which sucks because its my favourite along with Vermeer.I love them for highlighting and a nice shimmer,they just pop so much..so pretty. I can’t compare the two palettes side by side in terms of fall out or anything but I’ve seen enough reviews. Whilst this palette is pigmented and blends easily,Subculture apparently doesn’t. However, I find the shimmers in my palette crumble,therefore hit pan a lot faster and the fallout is ridiculous.

Obviously,this means when using this palette I do my eyes before my base so its not a big deal to me. I won’t be investing in Subculture tho because even though the colours look pretty, the price tag for something that poop ain’t worth it.

Again with this palette, I tend to reach for the shade Burnt Orange for my crease and sometimes Raw Sienna. Vermeer,Primavera,Buon Fresco,Antique Bronze,Vietnien Red,Red Ochre, Love Letter and Realgar are my absolute favourites. I really love playing with this palette on its own and seeing what I can do with it. So many people own it,so theres 100’s of tutorials online on what to do with it,the looks are endless with these 14 shades..think I’m a bit obsessed. I’m contemplating a second one so I can use Vermeer and the other shades still when they run out.


Too Faced Sweet Peach was my ride or die for a long time. Whenever I pick it up..I have to sniff it. IT.SMELLS.SO.GOOD. I’ve had it for awhile now and the smell is still there,still strong..I love it. Some people may find it sickly or too strong but I think it adds something more.


This palette is so stunning and I have no idea why I don’t reach for it more often. Well..I mainly got lazy,stopped doing my make up altogether and have only recently got back into it and am still being lazy by doing the same looks all the time.

I don’t really have a favourite shade in this palette because just looking at it,I am in love with the whole lot of them. Now that its the summer,I’m hoping to reach for this on a more day to day basis when I’m heading on days out to the park,the beach and things like that.  I know I’m going to spend hours upon hours playing with this palette and creating looks,I am beyond excited.


When I first got this palette for Christmas I wasn’t really big on make up. I don’t use it anymore but thought I’d mention it as its super affordable and brilliant for creating those simple everyday looks. I also think its perfect for if you’re just starting out with make up and want to ease your way in.

This was written way back in July but life got in the way and I lowkey forgot about it-oops. The part where I said I’m hoping to reach for Sweet Peach more now its summer-didn’t happen. Instead I got even lazier with my make up and have worn it maybe twice since July.. but to be fair I haven’t had the time with baby as she’s in a clingy always awake phase-not that I’m complaining! I love spending time with her.


UncommonGoods Haul And Review

I got contacted a few weeks ago about doing a blogpost sponsored by the wonderfully kind people over at uncommongoods.com. It was so difficult to decide what to chose as I wanted everything,there was so much choice. I actually entered panic mode and had no idea what to do because I was just in love with it all. With Willows 1st birthday coming up I chose to pick up a gift for her!The fact these arrived on her birthday made me so happy as it meant she had another little gift to open!

It was so easy to find a gift appropriate for her age as the website is so easy to negotiate and you can find everything you need with a simple click of a button. They literally have everything from wedding presents,birthday presents and so much more. I hadn’t heard of them before but I am so obsessed now and I will definitely be using it again in the future.

One of my favourite sections the website has to offer is personalised.I think customisable things really make a present that little bit more special,unique and thought out.

Willow adores books and when I saw these indestructible nursery rhyme ones I knew I needed them! You get five nursery rhyme books with gorgeous illustrations.

Obviously,I put them to the test..they supposed to be tear proof,bite proof and waterproof..I can confirm they are! I tried ripping them,biting them etc and they didn’t break at all,which is perfect as Willow is always biting her books and spilling things on them. Another bonus is that you can wash them in the washing machine,how cool is that?? Now Willow can do whatever she pleases with them.

I don’t have any photos of them currently as my camera is filled with photos and videos from her birthday and party oops but I’ll upload some to this post asap.

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Photo screenshotted from the website.

Uncommon Goods not only offers a wide range of handmade products but aim to not sell any products that use leather or fur and you have the option to donate at the checkout,which I think is amazing.

I’ve already got my eye on a few more things for Willow including this gorgeous mermaid tail blanket! How cute is this!? I feel like every baby needs one of these and its perfect if you know someone who is having a little one.

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My cousin recently got engaged so I will 110% be using this site to get her and her fiancèe a little engagement gift to celebrate! Just take a look yourself at some of the cute things uncommongoods have to offer newly weds!! I’m in love with all of it,so the decision is going to be quite difficult. I cannot wait for her engagement party to surprise her with something from them.

This blogpost was kindly sponsored by UncommonGoods.com but this in no way has affected my opinion. 



Dear Emma,

Thank you.

We had been to the same highschool but we didn’t know eachother back then. We first met after you found out we were going to be attending the same college and after speaking on Facebook for a few weeks, you invited me to go to a party with you. WE clicked instantly and it was like I had known you my whole life. Thank you for being one of the people to kick me up the ass and get me leaving the house again.

You were always so honest with your opinions on the guys I was dating and made it very clear you didn’t approve of my choices. I will never forget the rants I’d receive whenever I took a dickhead back after promising I wouldn’t.

I love how we never said ‘hi,how are you?’ you’d just jump right in with a rant or some gossip or straight up tell me how you were doing and vice versa. I miss our conversations so much. I miss being able to pop up at any hour,mainly during the night and getting one of your huge motivational paragraphs.

I miss you so much.

You will never understand how grateful I am that you were apart of my life. You were there when nobody else was. When I was in the mental health unit you were the only friend who didn’t ditch me and reminded me why I was here.

You will never know how grateful I am that you were in Willows. I remember how excited you were when we found out I was pregnant and how motivated you were to meet her.

I will never forget how excited you were when I asked you to be her godmother. There was nobody else I trusted or wanted. When I knew we were going to christen her I knew instantly it would be you. You were someone I knew I could rely on to take care of my baby and I know you will look out for her from heaven. She will always know who you are, your ‘lil squishy’.

When I had nothing for Willow,you provided her with everything. I will never forget when you told us you’d found a cot for us,we were so desperate and Auntie Emma came through! I will never forget you walking in our house with your Mum with a walker and 3 or 4 massive bags of clothes,blankets and all sorts of random baby shit. Your poor Mum was struggling to carry them all out of the car they were that big.

I don’t think I could’ve planned Willows first birthday without your input and I know you will be there in spirit.

I will think of you whenever Ed Sheeran plays,which is an awful lot and it makes me so happy that you got to meet him.

I promise to keep every single promise I made to you and I will always look for you in the night sky. I can’t wait to catch up with you when my time is up and talk about all our crazy adventures.

Thank you so much for being the best second Mummy to our girl. We love you so fucking much and I miss you more and more every single day.

I love you,sleep tight x


Emma Louise Cosgrove 17th June 1998- 24th June 2017. Forever 19.



Willow’s Tenth Month Update

This month has been incredibly special but also devastating. I’ll start with the positives first though I think.

Willow has finally learnt how to clap. I feel as though most babies do this much earlier but Willow was never interested beforehand.

She has also started to take steps! Which is absolutely crazy and I hate it so much because I just want her to be little forever but I am so incredibly proud of her.

She loves Peppa Pig more than anything and anyone. Her excitement when Peppa comes on TV or we’re reading her Peppa Pig storybook is adorable and I savour every single moment.

If she’s not sleeping then she’s eating. She loves food which is great but she is getting so big!! My tiny 6lbs 4oz baby is more than double that now!!

She’s been sleeping in her cot! It was more me than her,I’d let her sleep in her cot until I missed her and then she would be back in my arms but still a good milestone to mention.

Her two top teeth are coming through which has been a bit of a nightmare. She’s forever biting and crying in pain and it hurts my heart.

We’ve had to get rid of her car walker/bouncer/swing in one that her Aunt Emma got her a few months ago as she has now started to climb on it when in her seat.

She also had a cute push-a-long lion thingy that she sat on,she had it for five minutes before we had to put it away as all she wants to do is climb!

She’s mastered climbing onto the sofa..I can’t.

She still fits in 3-6 and 6-9 mainly even tho..her birthday..is exactly ONE MONTH AWAY. I’m so emotional! I cannot believe she is one soon. I can’t deal. My heart can’t handle it.

Annoyingly,she has learnt how to strip and take her onesies off. How? I have no idea. She is quite strong for her age though.

Towards the end of the month,she’s started sleeping through the night in her cot without a bottle!! Waking at 7am!

She is such a happy baby and I couldn’t be more proud of how big she’s getting. Every little milestone makes my heart burst with pride.

Sadly,this month she had experienced her first loss,obviously she’s too young to understand but I promise she will never forget. For those who don’t know my best friend Emma Cosgrove gained her wings on the 24th June. She was Willow’s second Mummy and my heart is completely broken.

My focus has been getting little things to help Willow remember and know who Emma is as she is growing up. I’ve got her a canvas of one of my most favourite photos of newborn Willow cripping Em’s finger printed and a necklace with an angel wing and a heart with the letter E. Its so important to me that Willow always remembers who Emma is,she was her godmother and now she is her guardian angel.

Sorry if this one has been shorter than others,in all honesty, I haven’t the motivation to write every thing shes been up to this month as my heart is too broken but I knew I wanted to be consistent with the monthly updates. Hope you understand x


All About My First Tattoo

I don’t know if ya’ll heard on my twitter yet but I got a tattoo!! I am honestly so so so happy with it!

It was total last minute, I got in my Dads car and he turned around and said “Let’s go get you a tattoo then.” So random and so unexpected but I am so thankful!

Naturally, I was extremely nervous. I had a bit of time to think before the tattoo guy came over, I’ve wanted tattoos since I was 13 so I wasn’t short on ideas. I decided on going for something small for my first one as I wasn’t sure how I was going to deal with the pain. I also knew I wanted my first tattoo to be dedicated to Willow,after all she is the best thing that ever happened to me and I love her to absolute death.

(Excuse the side ways photo)

I went for classic Roman Numerals with her birthdate as I didn’t want anything over the top or crazy. I just wanted something simplistic that I could hide.

I got it on my arm and I really thought it was going to hurt. Plot twist- it didn’t. I didn’t even feel it,apart from when he was tattooing my boney wrist-that just felt like a sharp scratch.

I thought I’d be a mess. When I got my ear lobes pierced I cried and told the guy I was fine with just the one. He pierced the second one and I cried for 3 hours straight. With my tragus and helix I had panic attacks before hand and a shit tonne of freeze spray. I believe we used about 3 bottles on my ears alone!!

I don’t know if it’s my anxiety or if I’m a massive wuss but I just build it up in my mind so much but with this tattoo I really wasn’t bothered. I found the tattooing process really relaxing actually!

I have since had a bit of an accident with it, I banged it pretty forcefully and cut it open. Luckily,not too much damage was done and once it’s healed I can get the little damage tattooed over. It’s only obvious to me what’s wrong with it now.

The only thing that annoys me about it since getting it,is that depending on the angle of my arm it can look wonky and it just really annoys me! It’s straight to other people but because I can’t look at it straight on and have to bend my arm it looks wonky to me-if that makes any sense?

Obviously all my pictures are mirrored so in photos it’s the wrong way round! Just incase you didn’t know !!

I’d honestly give this a 0/5 on the pain scale! It didn’t bother me at all! Roll on the next tattoo!!