2

Dear Emma,

Thank you.

We had been to the same highschool but we didn’t know eachother back then. We first met after you found out we were going to be attending the same college and after speaking on Facebook for a few weeks, you invited me to go to a party with you. WE clicked instantly and it was like I had known you my whole life. Thank you for being one of the people to kick me up the ass and get me leaving the house again.

You were always so honest with your opinions on the guys I was dating and made it very clear you didn’t approve of my choices. I will never forget the rants I’d receive whenever I took a dickhead back after promising I wouldn’t.

I love how we never said ‘hi,how are you?’ you’d just jump right in with a rant or some gossip or straight up tell me how you were doing and vice versa. I miss our conversations so much. I miss being able to pop up at any hour,mainly during the night and getting one of your huge motivational paragraphs.

I miss you so much.

You will never understand how grateful I am that you were apart of my life. You were there when nobody else was. When I was in the mental health unit you were the only friend who didn’t ditch me and reminded me why I was here.

You will never know how grateful I am that you were in Willows. I remember how excited you were when we found out I was pregnant and how motivated you were to meet her.

I will never forget how excited you were when I asked you to be her godmother. There was nobody else I trusted or wanted. When I knew we were going to christen her I knew instantly it would be you. You were someone I knew I could rely on to take care of my baby and I know you will look out for her from heaven. She will always know who you are, your ‘lil squishy’.

When I had nothing for Willow,you provided her with everything. I will never forget when you told us you’d found a cot for us,we were so desperate and Auntie Emma came through! I will never forget you walking in our house with your Mum with a walker and 3 or 4 massive bags of clothes,blankets and all sorts of random baby shit. Your poor Mum was struggling to carry them all out of the car they were that big.

I don’t think I could’ve planned Willows first birthday without your input and I know you will be there in spirit.

I will think of you whenever Ed Sheeran plays,which is an awful lot and it makes me so happy that you got to meet him.

I promise to keep every single promise I made to you and I will always look for you in the night sky. I can’t wait to catch up with you when my time is up and talk about all our crazy adventures.

Thank you so much for being the best second Mummy to our girl. We love you so fucking much and I miss you more and more every single day.

I love you,sleep tight x

19059377_195719394288667_5522521601177097581_n

Emma Louise Cosgrove 17th June 1998- 24th June 2017. Forever 19.

0

Willow’s Tenth Month Update

This month has been incredibly special but also devastating. I’ll start with the positives first though I think.

Willow has finally learnt how to clap. I feel as though most babies do this much earlier but Willow was never interested beforehand.

She has also started to take steps! Which is absolutely crazy and I hate it so much because I just want her to be little forever but I am so incredibly proud of her.

She loves Peppa Pig more than anything and anyone. Her excitement when Peppa comes on TV or we’re reading her Peppa Pig storybook is adorable and I savour every single moment.

If she’s not sleeping then she’s eating. She loves food which is great but she is getting so big!! My tiny 6lbs 4oz baby is more than double that now!!

She’s been sleeping in her cot! It was more me than her,I’d let her sleep in her cot until I missed her and then she would be back in my arms but still a good milestone to mention.

Her two top teeth are coming through which has been a bit of a nightmare. She’s forever biting and crying in pain and it hurts my heart.

We’ve had to get rid of her car walker/bouncer/swing in one that her Aunt Emma got her a few months ago as she has now started to climb on it when in her seat.

She also had a cute push-a-long lion thingy that she sat on,she had it for five minutes before we had to put it away as all she wants to do is climb!

She’s mastered climbing onto the sofa..I can’t.

She still fits in 3-6 and 6-9 mainly even tho..her birthday..is exactly ONE MONTH AWAY. I’m so emotional! I cannot believe she is one soon. I can’t deal. My heart can’t handle it.

Annoyingly,she has learnt how to strip and take her onesies off. How? I have no idea. She is quite strong for her age though.

Towards the end of the month,she’s started sleeping through the night in her cot without a bottle!! Waking at 7am!

She is such a happy baby and I couldn’t be more proud of how big she’s getting. Every little milestone makes my heart burst with pride.

Sadly,this month she had experienced her first loss,obviously she’s too young to understand but I promise she will never forget. For those who don’t know my best friend Emma Cosgrove gained her wings on the 24th June. She was Willow’s second Mummy and my heart is completely broken.

My focus has been getting little things to help Willow remember and know who Emma is as she is growing up. I’ve got her a canvas of one of my most favourite photos of newborn Willow cripping Em’s finger printed and a necklace with an angel wing and a heart with the letter E. Its so important to me that Willow always remembers who Emma is,she was her godmother and now she is her guardian angel.

Sorry if this one has been shorter than others,in all honesty, I haven’t the motivation to write every thing shes been up to this month as my heart is too broken but I knew I wanted to be consistent with the monthly updates. Hope you understand x

0

All About My First Tattoo

I don’t know if ya’ll heard on my twitter yet but I got a tattoo!! I am honestly so so so happy with it!

It was total last minute, I got in my Dads car and he turned around and said “Let’s go get you a tattoo then.” So random and so unexpected but I am so thankful!


Naturally, I was extremely nervous. I had a bit of time to think before the tattoo guy came over, I’ve wanted tattoos since I was 13 so I wasn’t short on ideas. I decided on going for something small for my first one as I wasn’t sure how I was going to deal with the pain. I also knew I wanted my first tattoo to be dedicated to Willow,after all she is the best thing that ever happened to me and I love her to absolute death.


(Excuse the side ways photo)

I went for classic Roman Numerals with her birthdate as I didn’t want anything over the top or crazy. I just wanted something simplistic that I could hide.



I got it on my arm and I really thought it was going to hurt. Plot twist- it didn’t. I didn’t even feel it,apart from when he was tattooing my boney wrist-that just felt like a sharp scratch.

I thought I’d be a mess. When I got my ear lobes pierced I cried and told the guy I was fine with just the one. He pierced the second one and I cried for 3 hours straight. With my tragus and helix I had panic attacks before hand and a shit tonne of freeze spray. I believe we used about 3 bottles on my ears alone!!

I don’t know if it’s my anxiety or if I’m a massive wuss but I just build it up in my mind so much but with this tattoo I really wasn’t bothered. I found the tattooing process really relaxing actually!


I have since had a bit of an accident with it, I banged it pretty forcefully and cut it open. Luckily,not too much damage was done and once it’s healed I can get the little damage tattooed over. It’s only obvious to me what’s wrong with it now.

The only thing that annoys me about it since getting it,is that depending on the angle of my arm it can look wonky and it just really annoys me! It’s straight to other people but because I can’t look at it straight on and have to bend my arm it looks wonky to me-if that makes any sense?

Obviously all my pictures are mirrored so in photos it’s the wrong way round! Just incase you didn’t know !!

I’d honestly give this a 0/5 on the pain scale! It didn’t bother me at all! Roll on the next tattoo!!

3

Donating My Eggs At 19?

Hi guys,

That is so weird. I literally never say hi, I just jump right in with the post usually but this post felt like it needed a little introduction.

On June 2nd 2017, I saw an advert on Facebook about Egg Donors. I don’t know why but I felt drawn and just needed to click on it. I read the comments filled with peoples stories of infertility and I was heartbroken. Some of these stories didn’t have happy endings but others said egg donations enabled them to become parents.

I remembered the day the two lines showed up on my pregnancy test,that instant need to protect Willow set in. The first time I saw her on the scan and the disbelief that my own tiny human baby was growing inside me. Finally,the day she was born and placed in my arms for the first time,that instant connection,overwhelming love and forever bond.

I thought about that and how amazing it is to become a parent. I then imagined what it would be like to not be able to because of the menopause or infertility.

I thought about my Mum and the struggle she went through to get pregnant with me. I might not have been there but my parents had been together from 17, she was trying for years after they wed and didn’t conceive me until she was 28 thanks to a fertility drug. (She has four of us now!)

Unfortunately,fertility drugs and IVF don’t work for everyone and an egg or sperm donor is another way to have that forever love.

I’ve always said if a family member or a friend needed a surrogate then I’d do it in an absolute heartbeat. No hesitation. Hell, I’d do it for an absolute stranger if the timing was right.

Why should donating eggs be any different to that? I still get to help people do the greatest role of all..minus the pregnancy.

I read the websites FAQ and found out the answers to all my questions. It was absolutely something I needed and wanted to do. I had this idea that if I could help someone,whether it was one family or ten (ten families is the limit each donor has)then I was going to bloody do it. Nothing was going to stop me from helping other families grow.

This in no way changes any future plans I have to grow my own family and give Willow siblings some day. I still intend on having 3 or more of my own but whilst I’m not expanding my brood..I can help others start and complete theres and I think theres something extremely beautiful about that.

As for people who think I’ll have children all up and down the world by doing this..you’re extremely wrong. I personally believe to be a parent, you have to do the raising and nurturing. You have to be there for milestones and birthdays,the falls and the fallouts. I would just be the donor helping these people become Mum’s and Dad’s.

Screen Shot 2017-06-02 at 01.08.11

Screenshot from manchesterdonors.com

I ended up applying after receiving the backing of my Mum and boyfriend. I’m currently waiting to hear back with my first appointment! Fingers crossed everything goes well and I can continue with this incredible journey.

 

17

Willow’s Eighth Month Update

I can’t believe shes 9 months already. Its killing me that in 3 months (more or less) she’s going to be ONE.

Anyways little madam has two little teeth,she likes biting everything and everyone with and laughing her head off.

We’ve also started brushing he lil peggys with her own little pink toothbrush-she hates it and pulls a disgusted face. I think it must be the texture?

Trying to stand on her own two feet without holding onto anything and then getting overly giddy when she does and falling over.

She now likes to sing ‘la la la’ whenever someone else is singing a song-its so cute.

She sits on the floor dancing to her ‘If you’re happy and you know it’  music sing a long book and its the cutest thing ever.

Photo on 11-05-2017 at 14.08

The only word she ever says nowadays seems to be ‘Mama’ she can also say “Dada” and “Drink?”-well something close to that,more like “Drin Drin”.

She also does high fives!! Now we need to work on blowing kisses.

Peek-A-Boo still remains her favourite game.

Photo on 09-05-2017 at 14.06 #2

She has also decided that under a very tiny side table is her new den. She likes to hide under there and come up with mischievous monkey plans.

Recently,shes been quite poorly which means over the past few days shes just been napping all the time. She’s had a horrible temperature and lots of calpol.

Unrelated to that,shes also been having ‘absences’ where she goes limp/floppy and stares into space or she just passes out. Its horrible and very scary. However,we’ve been told its normal and some babies do this when crying but we won’t know for definite if its that until our upcoming Doctors appointment.

Photo on 03-05-2017 at 14.55 #3

We took her to the farm for the first time and she didn’t give a single flying duck about any of the animals. She was just looking around in utter disgust-probably at the smell of poop,such a princess. The one animal she was somewhat interested in was all the budgies and parrots they had,she kept waving and trying to get to them.

She’s currently obsessed with empty lucozade bottles..she just likes playing with them. I don’t even bother questioning her anymore.

She has a dolly my Grandma got her for Easter,which she carries around with her like her own little baby and oh my god its adorable. She also gets really jealous when I cuddle it and call it ‘my baby’,she’ll throw dolly on the floor and fake cry til I pick her up and cuddle her instead.

Photo on 03-05-2017 at 16.06

She takes after me and loves her fruits and veggies but she really really really doesn’t like chocolate pudding. I’m not being funny but as a parent you try the foods you’re giving your child to check its not to hot etc and the chocolate pudding is SO GOOD. Its the kind of thing I’d eat in primary school? Strange baby.

When Willow was smaller,her Daddy would stroke her hair as I fed her bottle to help her fall asleep. Miss Independent strokes her own hair when her Daddy isn’t there now and its the cutest thing ever-that or she rips my hair out instead.

She started drinking water out of her beaker by herself but still cant take the weight off the milk bottle-or she is just lazy..really lazy.

They’re all the things I can think off at the top of my head! I really need to start making note as I go along rather than rushing and using my Mum brain(known for its bad memory) at the end of each month!

Photo on 03-05-2017 at 14.52 #5

Hope you all enjoy the low quality Macbook photobooth photos! I’ve not got a phone or camera at the moment so this has had to make do.She still looks hella cute tho.

Update: Since this post,Willow has been to the Doctors and we’ve been told to “keep an eye on it”. She also has a deep dimple at the bottom of her spine thats been there since birth and she’s been referred to a specialist about it as they want to check theres definitely skin at the bottom of it.(Which there is because when she was a newborn the hole was a lot bigger and not as deep! Just a safety precaution really so no worries there.)

0

Willow’s Seven Month Update

I know I’ve said this in Willow’s Six Month Update but the difference is insane!

She’s finally crawling properly!! She has figured it out and there is absolutely no stopping her,she is constantly on the move. You look away for one second and bam she’s on the other side of the room.

She can sit up without falling over! This also means we can finally start Baby Led Weaning! We got advised not to start until she was able to sit up properly on her own to avoid choking risks etc.

Willow is pulling herself up on everything. She has also started using the sofa to bounce..I am constantly running around after her,she is truly a cheeky little monkey.

She understands the word ‘no’,instead of listening,she laughs at you like the devils child and continues doing whatever it is she’s up to.

I think I’ve mentioned this before,she is obsessed with Poppy (the cat),she no longer pulls her tail and the cat has given her a few cat kisses!! I love it when my children get along!

When we’re handing her toys or food,she now says ‘Ta’ and its absolutely adorable! Or she will just snatch it and shove it straight into her mouth.

At her last weigh in,she weighed 14lbs 2oz and her cheeks are really filling out,she looks like a little chipmunk!

She got her first bruise! She fell over onto a toy when playing with it and bruised her eye 😦

She also received her first allergic reaction! We’ve known Willow is allergic to dairy and lactose since she was about two months old and recently she broke out in a rash everywhere,we still haven’t figured out what to though.

She is very cuddly and likes jumping on people and attacking them-so nothing new there then.

Lastly..

SHE IS TRYING TO WALK. HELL TO THE NO.

I’m sure there are a few things I’ve missed here and there but these are some of my favourite things she has been up to this month!

 

1

Baby Number Two!

screen-shot-2017-02-22-at-03-47-52

Growing up,I always knew I wanted a huge family. Lots and lots of kiddies,in fact I want seven. Seven is extremely ambitious as my boyfriend only wants two,so I don’t see that happening.

When I got pregnant,I never expected it to be at 18 but I am so happy everything planned out the way it did. It might sound dramatic but Willow Rose saved my life. I owe absolutely everything to my family. The support I’ve had from everyone since the day I found out has been incredible and they reacted the complete opposite of what I thought.

Baby number two is definitely a part of Levi and I’s five year plan as we want Willow and baby two to be as close as possible. We’re not a fan of the big age gaps and want them to grow up together.

Yes,despite everything that has happened over the last few months. Levi and I are back together,better and stronger than ever. Now we have my diagnosis,its easier to understand why I acted the way I did. His support since the day I found out about it has been incredible. Even though,he went off with other girls (which is no secret) he always comes back and at the end of the day his heart has and always will belong to yours truly.

I think that’ll be the last I mention of it,other than the other girls were nothing but a distraction. Our relationship was so past fucked,that we needed out and we dealt with it in different ways.

Luckily,its exactly what we needed to miss each other and realise how much our relationship and family is worth.

 

People are extremely judgemental. If I leave the gap too big then I’m one thing and if I do it too soon I’m a slag. I can’t win but luckily I don’t live for other peoples opinions. I will have baby number two when myself and Levi are ready and that isn’t any time soon,we only just got back together!

We want to enjoy and spend time with Willow,watching her grow up,teaching her things and taking her places. Learning all about her,her likes and dislikes,her favourite colours etc and just focus on her being an only child.

We want to have our own family home and we want to be married before we even discuss baby number two. We are currently in the process of looking for our first family home together and I couldn’t be happier with how everything has turned out.

Right now,I love my little family of three just the way it is.

(Maybe a few pets wouldn’t go amiss though..just saying.)