3

Donating My Eggs At 19?

Hi guys,

That is so weird. I literally never say hi, I just jump right in with the post usually but this post felt like it needed a little introduction.

On June 2nd 2017, I saw an advert on Facebook about Egg Donors. I don’t know why but I felt drawn and just needed to click on it. I read the comments filled with peoples stories of infertility and I was heartbroken. Some of these stories didn’t have happy endings but others said egg donations enabled them to become parents.

I remembered the day the two lines showed up on my pregnancy test,that instant need to protect Willow set in. The first time I saw her on the scan and the disbelief that my own tiny human baby was growing inside me. Finally,the day she was born and placed in my arms for the first time,that instant connection,overwhelming love and forever bond.

I thought about that and how amazing it is to become a parent. I then imagined what it would be like to not be able to because of the menopause or infertility.

I thought about my Mum and the struggle she went through to get pregnant with me. I might not have been there but my parents had been together from 17, she was trying for years after they wed and didn’t conceive me until she was 28 thanks to a fertility drug. (She has four of us now!)

Unfortunately,fertility drugs and IVF don’t work for everyone and an egg or sperm donor is another way to have that forever love.

I’ve always said if a family member or a friend needed a surrogate then I’d do it in an absolute heartbeat. No hesitation. Hell, I’d do it for an absolute stranger if the timing was right.

Why should donating eggs be any different to that? I still get to help people do the greatest role of all..minus the pregnancy.

I read the websites FAQ and found out the answers to all my questions. It was absolutely something I needed and wanted to do. I had this idea that if I could help someone,whether it was one family or ten (ten families is the limit each donor has)then I was going to bloody do it. Nothing was going to stop me from helping other families grow.

This in no way changes any future plans I have to grow my own family and give Willow siblings some day. I still intend on having 3 or more of my own but whilst I’m not expanding my brood..I can help others start and complete theres and I think theres something extremely beautiful about that.

As for people who think I’ll have children all up and down the world by doing this..you’re extremely wrong. I personally believe to be a parent, you have to do the raising and nurturing. You have to be there for milestones and birthdays,the falls and the fallouts. I would just be the donor helping these people become Mum’s and Dad’s.

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Screenshot from manchesterdonors.com

I ended up applying after receiving the backing of my Mum and boyfriend. I’m currently waiting to hear back with my first appointment! Fingers crossed everything goes well and I can continue with this incredible journey.

 

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10 Things I Do Miss About Pregnancy

A while ago I wrote 10 Things I Don’t Miss About Pregnancy…as bad as I made it sound previously,pregnancy isn’t all bad so here are some things I do miss!

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  1. Feeling baby kick and move. Straight up my favourite thing about being pregnant. The first time freaked me tf out but once she stopped,I poked my belly to get her to move again and equally freaked out. ITS THE BEST THING EVER.
  2. Eating whatever and whenever I wanted. Honestly, my appetite when pregnant was shit. Completely shit..I craved the weirdest stuff like Marzipan??and the excuse ‘I’m eating for two’ never mattered because I couldn’t even finish one portion. The best thing was when I got a craving I could eat it,whether it be 2am or 2pm and no one would say anything because pregnant.
  3. Scans. Seeing my baby weekly was one of the highlights of my pregnancy. Incase you don’t know,most pregnancies you usually only get 3 scans;a dating scan,a twelve week scan and a twenty week scan(gender scan). However,we had a few complications so I pretty much got to see Willow every week after 25 weeks and it was great just knowing she was doing good.
  4. Hair growth. My hair grew and got so thick during pregnancy-a ridiculous amount.  It was also super healthy and shiny!What more does a girl want? After she was born tho,I got it cut and I regret that more than anything.
  5. NO PERIODS!! Do I need to say anymore?
  6.  Making friends with all the Mums. Whether it be a mutual on Facebook,someone you used to go to school with or a random in the street,if they are pregnant or already have kids-you’re more than likely to end up friends with them. You will compare notes,discuss names,symptoms and when baby is born you’ll arrange baby play dates. Its like a whole new secret world.
  7. Baby brain. Even though I’m convinced it stays with you once you’ve had children,I can no longer use it as an excuse because I’m not pregnant and people just tell me I’m thick.When I was pregnant everyone would pin it on baby brain. *Sigh*
  8. Boyfriend talking to bump. This was one of the cutest things he did. He would talk in depth about all the father-daughter adventures they’d get up to and when she fractured my ribs-he gave her a telling off.
  9. Shopping. SO MUCH SHOPPING. I had an excuse to buy all things baby and myself some new bits and bobs for my forever growing bump! Another bonus is whoever I was with,often insisted on paying because babies are expensive. So..free shopping??
  10. NAPS. Do you think they exist anymore? Hahahaha.

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9

I Hated My Daughters Name

This post is inspired by the blogger Autumns Mummy you can read her post here.

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When I was pregnant,I spent hours and hours searching for the perfect name to give our baby. Ever since I was little,I had my heart set on naming my children really unique and weird names like Siren,and still to this day,I see nothing wrong with that name.Levi disagreed with every single one of one. He turned around to me one day,out of the blue and suggested the name Willow Rose.

At first,I really didn’t like it. It was a ‘hmm maybe but we will find something better’. However, we didn’t and by the time our 20 week scan came around,the name just stuck. I tried so hard to get used to it and like it but I never imagined my daughter being called that? I always assumed she’d be named after a Disney princess or something.

Levi and I broke up in June,when I was 7 months pregnant. It was an absolutely horrible break up and all round horrible experience.  He went from being my loving,caring boyfriend to an unrecognisable monster. I felt like I didn’t know him anymore. We are both equally to blame for the break up but he definitely could’ve handled thing a lot better. Within two days,he was off with other girls and it absolutely broke my heart.

He still came to most,if not all,my appointments. We would get along like a normal,happy expecting couple..basically acting like we had never even broke up. Then he’d go home and treat me like complete and utter shit again. This caused major anxiety. I already suffered with anxiety and panic attacks but the level this was at,was a whole new ballgame.  Its easy for people to say ‘you should’ve put a stop to it’ but ask anyone he’s been with and he has a way with words etc,can twist anyone round his finger..and honestly,since the day I met him I was always weak for him.

Willow stopped growing,she had actually stopped growing at about 25 weeks but as we got closer to my due date her weight started going down drastically. There was talk of inducing me as soon as possible and all sorts of crazy shit. It was awful. She did start slowly gaining weight,but I was monitored weekly with scans etc to ensure she was okay.My anxiety was so out of control that I was hospitalised several times from June to August. I was diagnosed with prenatal depression,given medication and sent to a therapist.I was inconsistent with medication because pregnancy brain and I only managed two therapy session before the big day came.

Long story short,I had an extremely distressing birth. I really don’t want to go into the ins and outs of it but it was horrible. Levi and my Mum have told me in the past,there were several times they thought I was going to die from blood loss as I kept passing out etc.I say all the time I don’t remember it very well,but I do,I just choose to block it out. Its very hazy but I remember it more than enough.

I remember perfectly 5:23pm when she was born,let out a little whimper and she was born.(You can read more about that here.) but the aftermath was just as  horrific as the birth itself. If anything,I found the aftermath worse. I kept asking when she would be here and they had to keep showing me her and telling me she was born already.

The days following her birth,I was in so much pain,I could barely move without wincing. I couldn’t do anything and I spent this time trying not to think about the birth.

I did get used to her name,up until a day after my birthday. We had registered her name on my birthday btw so there was no going back. I was still a nervous wreck,having become a new Mum,the pregnancy and the birth. Levi and I had been back together about a week and I received a message from a girl. I don’t want to go into details again but I’m sure everyone can guess what had gone on.

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I can’t really be mad at him, for having a girlfriend when we was broken up but the stuff that came out made me sick to my stomach. Whilst I was having an absolutely horrible time,giving birth to our daughter and screaming his name,embarrassingly begging for him not to leave me. He was texting her. It doesn’t piss me off anymore,however,I still want to punch him for allowing this random girl to know information about my birth when my closest relatives didn’t even know I had gone into labour.

As far as I’m concerned,childbirth is a family matter.Its between loved ones and its supposed to  a special,cherished and intimate time. I waited until I was home,to post anything because I wanted to have my time with her first. He had our daughter all over snapchat within minutes,again,before any of my family knew she was even born.

Even though we are  back together now and the past is in the past. I don’t think I will ever forgive him for the immature,irresponsible and hurtful actions and choices he made during and after my pregnancy.

I started to dislike my daughters name again. I felt like I hadn’t bonded with her. I felt like he was trying to replace me as her mother. I was distraught. Everyone would compliment her name and how beautiful she was and I just felt like I didn’t care. I felt like I no longer wanted her and felt like I no longer wanted to be a Mum.

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I forgave him soon enough though and we was together at Halloween,Christmas..all of Willow’s firsts..fast forward to what I know now. A girl he was seeing behind my back. Choosing her over me. Him introducing her to my daughter after they’d been together for five minutes,whilst I was still struggling to get a mothers intuition. Skip the stay on a MH Unit (which is a whole other blogpost) I am finally,finally getting somewhere.

I recently took him back because I love him and I know this girl was a mistake. He cheated with her and it sent me back to square one. I took him back but it doesn’t mean I forgive him. There are just some things you don’t forgive but in time I will forget. He isn’t a priority before anyone lectures me. I will admittedly call him a dickhead and thats putting it politely. He has recently been diagnosed with MH issues himself-obviously I can’t go into details about someone else’s private business but it wasn’t his fault.

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Myself and Willow are more important. My mental health,my bond with my daughter,working on my future,just my daughter and myself are my main priority. I can’t say what the outcome is yet as I am still recovering and am on two new types of medication,two different types of therapy and still struggle to get out of bed some days.

All I know for sure right now,is that I have the most amazing support from all my family,friends,people from twitter and my blog. I can’t thank everyone enough for every piece of advice,guidance and love you’ve given me the last few months. I also know, my beautiful little baby girl,is a Willow Rose.That name was meant to be for her. It just fits perfectly like Cinderella’s glass slipper.

 

3

10 Things I Don’t Miss About Pregnancy

Saturday’s Halloween blogpost was an epic fail. It’s all been written out but I haven’t had a chance to take the photo’s needed as everyone in my house is poorly.To make up for it..today I have written ‘Things I Don’t Miss About Pregnancy.”.

This is just a quick,fun last minute post but I’m hoping this will stop me from feeling  broody because I’m 19 and I don’t need another baby just yet!

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10 Things I Don’t Miss About Pregnancy:

  1. Swollen feet.Swollen ankles.Swollen hands.-just being swollen.
  2. Acid reflux. I had the worst acid reflux when pregnant,I couldn’t even lie down without receiving a disgusting acidic taste in my throat. (No Gavisgon wasn’t an option as I struggle to take medication)
  3. Inappropriate touching. By this I mean everyone and anyone coming over and stroking my bump. No thank you.
  4. Broken/Cracked ribs. When Willow’s foot got a lil too comfortable in my ribs xoxo Its painful and you can’t physically do anything without wincing in absolute agony.
  5. The Waddle. I actually think its cute but lets face it,you don’t get shit done when you’re waddling as slow as a lil turtle.
  6. The Stares. PEOPLE LOVE STARING. Whether it was nasty because I was 18 and pregnant or in awe because baby bump,everywhere I went I was stared at. I HATE being stared at,it makes me uncomfortable and ugh.
  7. The Twitching. By far one of the most annoying,uncomfortable and inconvenient things about pregnancy. You’re all comfortable in bed and then bam,your leg won’t stop twitching. It annoys you and your partner and its always conveniently as you’re about to drift off to sleep.
  8. Blood Tests. Summary: I hate needles. I am terrified of them. They hurt. I knew I’d be having them a couple times,I hated it. I would have panic attacks as it was such a big fear of mine. Due to complications I ended up having them all the time.By the end of pregnancy I was so used to them that I conquered my fear (temporarily). I would rather never go through this again tho,as I haven’t had blood test in a while and my fear of needles has returned.
  9. NOT BEING ABLE TO POOP. NO ONE EVER TALKS ABOUT THIS. I never knew about it until I couldn’t do it. In the last trimester pooping is difficult. You’re welcome,if you didn’t know.
  10. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Just waiting for the day you meet him/her. Its the longest wait in the world and I don’t have the patience for that again.

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What are some of the ones you won’t miss?or if you haven’t had a baby I hope you maybe learnt something new about pregnancy!

 

5

HypnoBirthing (My Experience)

For those who don’t know what HypnoBirthing is, put simply it is self hypnosis but catered specifically towards labour and birth. It’s supposed to create a better birthing experience for yourself, your partner and baby using a variety of relaxation and breathing techniques.

HypnoBirthing is becoming increasingly popular as it teaches expectant parents how to “block out”any fears/anxiety they may have and give birth naturally. When the Mum is free from fear,the body isn’t under stress,therefore, performs more efficiently. This means a shorter labour and less need for drugs!

It is known to be extremely helpful and useful to those who have previously had a traumatic birth experience. It teaches you how to release those fears and overcome them,so you can somewhat enjoy the experience more.

At first,I thought HypnoBirthing would mean I was in a trance like state but the idea behind it is you’ll feel more relaxed and in control of what is happening. HypnoBirthing supposedly has the benefits of :

  • less intense pain
  • less anxiety and fear
  • a shorter first stage labour

I suffer with severe anxiety and the closer I got to my due date,the more anxious I became about the idea. I started having more regular panic attacks as a result. My midwife had suggested HypnoBirthing at the very start of my pregnancy as she knew about my history with anxiety, but I wasn’t interested as I thought it was just a load of rubbish.

At about 37 weeks,she brought it up again and I accepted. You can book privately, attend classes with others or do it from home with a DVD. Unfortunately, the NHS does not offer free HypnoBirthing classes. However,they can make exceptions and the lady who run the classes,very kindly,gave me one free session on my own. Most couples attend at least 5 three hour classes.It is recommended to start as early on in the pregnancy as possible, for a better result as it takes a lot of practice and preparation.

In the classes,you will cover :

  • Breathing Techniques
  • Relaxation
  • Labour Positions
  • Birth Positions
  • Massage Techniques(yes please!)
  • Practical Advice

Most of what you learn in these sessions,you can use for the rest of your life in day to day situations. It was handy to have Massage Techniques covered because who doesn’t like a massage every once in a while?

As my anxiety was the problem and I only had one session,the focus was on different breathing and relaxation techniques.

In HypnoBirthing,the very first thing we learnt was to replace words that made me feel uneasy such as; “labour”,”contractions” and “pain” with a positive alternative. Labour became known as “birthing time”,contractions as “waves” and “pain” was dropped completely,being replaced with “sensations” and “tightening”.

I then learnt a series of breathing techniques that I could do both on my own and with my birthing partners. We then chose which patterns and techniques worked best for me and repeated them over and over to some relaxing music. We happened to attend the class on a ridiculously stressful day and it helped “melt” all the stress away. It was one of the best,most relaxing experiences ever,I’d do it again 100% just for the calm I felt.

As we only had one session,we couldn’t cover everything but she gave me lots of useful information packs and a DVD. I just never had a chance to look at them as shortly afterwards I went into labour.

During the labour stage,the breathing techniques were extremely helpful as I went into labour whilst I on my own. I was absolutely shitting myself but the breathing kept me calm whilst I waited for my Mum to come home. Even though I was in the very early stages of labour,I was terrified as I was leaking rather than a instant break. This was causing me to have intense waves on anxiety and a few small panic attacks.

We put off going to the hospital for as long as possible,(after checking my waters were safe with the midwife) but eventually I couldn’t cope with the pain anymore.At the hospital, I was walking around,using the breathing as often as I could. I wanted a relaxing water birth with no drugs,using the HypnoBirthing techniques.I have an extremely weak pain tolerance,so that was never going to work out.

I ended up having a fairly terrifying birthing experience.I was given Remifentanil and Gas and Air. I was completely out of it and the breathing went out of the window as did anything else I learnt because I was too drugged to focus.

Unfortunately, HypnoBirthing isn’t guaranteed to be affective for each individual person. It either works for you or it doesn’t. I believe personally that if I had attended all the necessary sessions,had taken the opportunity sooner,covered everything and been more prepared,it might have worked.

Even though it didn’t work this time,I will definitely be trying again with my next pregnancy. Not only was the lady super helpful,I learnt life long tips to help with my anxiety and next time, I’ll have time to cover all the topics.

I hope this gave people a bit of an idea on HypnoBirthing and the benefits,as well as some of the negatives. Even though I didn’t use it during birth,it was extremely useful during the early stages of labour and I learnt a lot that will help me forever!