Why I Will Never Have More Children?!

Since I was a little girl,all I wanted was a family of my own. Me,a husband,7 or more children, a dog and a few bunnies. I was the child sat at the back of class and whilst everyone else would be telling the teacher their goals of being policemen, singers or mechanics. I would always answer “I want to be a Mum”. It was that simple.

However,becoming a mother to Willow has changed that completely. I might only be 20 years old but I am certain that Willow will be my one and only. My pregnancy,birth and first few months of being a Mother were completely ruined and destroyed.

My ex was a massive **** the entire time and only recently has started to be somewhat tolerable and mature. The stress of his behaviour caused massive complications with my pregnancy and everyone was pretty certain I wouldn’t be carrying long term. Luckily,by some miracle I carried to 39 weeks but complications still followed.

I personally feel that pregnancy and raising a child,is something you want to experience with the person you love and to not have had the opportunity to do that with my ex,honestly broke me and still to this day hurts a lot. I no longer hate him but I still hate the things he did and said-I don’t think I will ever forgive them.


When pregnant I struggled badly with prenatal depression,then after she was born I struggled with postnatal depression which meant I struggled to bond properly. Don’t get me wrong I still had overwhelming love for her but the motivation and desire to do things for her was none existent. I cried all the time and massively feared doing things wrong,which caused horrible panic attacks. I don’t think it helped that my ex was constantly putting me down,saying I was doing everything wrong like everything he did was right? Idiot.

The birth. I’ve put off writing about my labour and birth for so long. I have a draft on here actually called “My Labour & Birth Experience” the only thing written in bold caps is : TRULY AWFUL AND HORRIFIC. NEVER AGAIN. Everything and anything that could’ve gone wrong-went wrong. I don’t know if I will ever be able to speak about it in detail to be honest and if I do ever talk about it, I know I’ll be leaving out massive chunks. It was something out of a gory horror film and just no thank you. It was 100% worth it but the fear,anxiety and stress that just comes from the idea of having to do it all again is terrifying enough. My health visitor actually told me recently that its very bizarre that over a year later,I still remember all the details and have nightmares about it so..fun times.

Take it with a pinch of salt though. I would love, more than anything, to have more lil babies one day and maybe one day, I’ll finally forget the trauma- that was the birth of Willow.

It was so worth it. Meeting her for the first time,is unfortunately very blurry but I do remember the moment she was placed on my chest and let out a little whimper. I didn’t have chance to take her in properly as I was so light headed and out of it. I think I did actually pass out and when I came back around I kept on asking how much longer until she arrived and they kept on telling me she was here already and it was awful.

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People speak about that special moment where your baby is placed on your chest and looks into your eyes for the first time and you see eachother for the first time but I didn’t have it. The whole pregnancy I couldn’t wait for that moment. I’ve had loads of moments and experiences with her so I don’t feel like I missed out on anything,I don’t love her any less but that was the thing that motivated me through my pregnancy.


Willow,well,she saved my life. Over and over and over again. When I think about all the stuff that was happening during my pregnancy and even now afterwards,if it wasn’t for her I would not have ever found the strength to carry on. I am so grateful for my baby. There truly is no love like a mothers love.




The Sunshine Blogger Award




I recently got tagged to do The Sunshine Blogger Award by the lovely Chlo over at tintsofautumn,you can read her post here. Thank you so much for nominating me!

The rules are that you recognise the blogger(s) that nominate you,answer the questions left for you in their blogpost and then nominate 11 other bloggers and ask them 11 questions.

Now on to answering the questions from Chlo!

1.What is your favourite season and why?

I love all of them for different reasons especially now I’ve got Willow. I love Autumn because Halloween, fireworks,roasting marshmellows, the fashion etc. I love Winter because Christmas,Santa and snow!! I feel like when she is bigger this will easily be  my favourite season because of her excitement and belief in Santa. Summer and Spring because of all the flowers,baby animals being born,easter,hot weather,the six week holiday-where me and Willow can get up to adventures etc. There are different memories and things to do with her so I can’t pick?? 

I made that question so much harder for myself that it had to be *sigh*.

2.Who’s voice could you not live without?

Okay so this one is quite difficult but the first person who came to mind was my ex. His voice used to calm me when I was struggling or panicking and hearing him come into my house or that first ‘Hi’ when he picked up the phone used to make my heart do somersaults but now it just terrifies me. However, I aint seen him in like 3 months so I seem to be living without him pretty well aha.

3.What do you love most about the blogging community?

The people. Everyone I’ve personally come across is so lovely and so supportive of eachother and everyone,its amazing. I’ve never been the kinda girl to have a lot of friends but through blogging I’ve met loads of lifelong lil buds who I adore.

4.What is your favourite blog post you’ve ever written and why?(link it!)

I’ll say my first ever post. I don’t read it anymore because it takes me back and makes me feel a bit sick at how drastic and fast things change but its nearly a year since I wrote it. Its the first post I ever made public,the first one that gave me balls and gave me the push to start blogging so it will always have a special place in my heart.

Read it here: About My Family.

5.What is the weirdest dream you’ve ever had?

I swear none of my dreams are normal. Some nights I’m a warrior princess fighting fire breathing gree trolls;other nights I’m literally in my room then fall through my bed Alice in Wonderland style land on some stairs in a strange mansion surrounded by Annabelle dolls red balloons and other shit I don’t wanna talk about. To be fair some nights I have pretty normal dreams where I’m a normal school girl and my Grandma comes and tells me I’m the Princess of Genovia and I get a sick walk in wardrobe.

One dream that really stands out for me though is a reoccurring one I’ve had since I was really little.I don’t know if its “weird” per say but it freaks me out whenever I have it as it feels like more of a memory. Its the same every single time,I’ve had it for as long as I can remember. I’m in the sea,bobbing up and down so the water keeps blocking my vision,its mute but a lot is happening around me. Its hard to explain but usually my dreams are in third person(?),with audio etc as if its a movie and I’m watching it. This one however,is as if I’m looking at everything unfold with my own eyes as I would on a day to day basis.

I do have a theory behind it though… I drowned on the titanic in a previous life *mic drop*.

6.Where in the world would you most like to travel to?

This is such a difficult question because I strongly believe I’m a little traveller at heart. I was housebound for years so I think that gave me an extra thirst and desire to get out there and see as much of the world as possible before I die. As I’ve got a lil mini me I’ll have to say Disneyland or word,one or the other! I’ve never been and I am the biggest Disney fan ever and I think experiencing it as a child would be so magical! I’d love to see Willows face as she meets all the princesses etc my Mum heart would literally explode.

7.What did you last watch on Netflix? (or the last thing you watched if you don’t have it)

The last thing I finished was Rick and Morty and I am currently watching Shameless (USA) and I am addicted. 

8.Favourite lipstick shade and brand?

Reign retro luxe matte lipkit by Make Up Revolution is my go to atm. 

9.The life motto you live by is…

I very recently found a youtuber called Ella Ringrose, who introduced me to three “quotes” to change your outlook and perspective on life. By changing the way you word things can change your mood and motivate you.

Instead of saying “I have to clean my room” you say “I get to clean my room” .

*I feel like this one is important as there are people out there who are unable to tidy their own rooms or go to work etc due to being wheelchair/bed bound and I’m sure they would love the independence we’re all so lucky to have.

Instead of saying “I hope I lose weight” you say “I know I will lose weight”.

Instead of saying “I should go to the gym” you say “I could go to the gym”

10. Who means the most to you?

Willow! (obvs) I didn’t actually know it was physically possible to love someone and care about someone so much until I fell pregnant. Since the two lines on my test,my whole world and strength has been her.

11. Sum up your life in one word.


I tag:

Sorry if you’ve already done it!! I can’t think of anyone else right now but if you’re reading this and haven’t done it..then I tag you!


My Questions:

  1. Who is someone who changed your life in positive way and how?
  2. What is your favourite disney movie and why?
  3. What is the first childhood memory that pops into your head?
  4. If you had £1,000,000 what would you do with it?
  5. Where do you see yourself in five years time?
  6. Do appearances play some importance to you?
  7. What was the last text message you received?
  8. Where would you like to visit the most in the world?
  9. What is the best holiday you have ever been on and why?
  10. Are you missing anyone right now?
  11. What are your top 3 baby girl and top 3 baby boy names?

My Favourite Eyeshadow Palettes. (July 2017)

I am a make up whore. I have so much make up, its actually sickening but I love it. I am truly addicted. If I did an Eyeshadow Palette Collection..we’d be sat here for at least five years so I decided to share the ones I use the most often.


I reach for my Violet Voss Holy Grail and Modern Renaissance every single day and night without fail. They’re very very loved and I don’t think I’d be capable of doing my make up without them. The colours from both palettes go really nicely with eachother and compliment one another.

For a typical night out,I do a halo eye as I find them quick and easy to do. I like to use my reds,browns and shimmer shades mostly..in fact most of my eyeshadow palettes have them..maybe I need to invest in something a bit different.



I religiously use the shades transition and hashtag for my crease,no matter what kind of look I am aiming for. They are the two shades I use, I find them to be the perfect crease colours and I love the two of them together. All the shadows in this palette are very blend-able and pigmented. I went through an extremely long phase of using nothing put this palette on a day to day basis.

As you can probably tell, I love the shades Toffee,Cool Beans,Glamping and Cranberry Splash..ironically all shimmers which is odd for me as I love matte shadows more than anything. Although the shimmers are highly pigmented on their own,I always take MAC fix + to make them stand out even more.

I reach for Brownie Points and Teddy Bear an awful lot to, just to darken any make up look a little bit. I love using Cranberry Splash and Wine N Dine together as I think they look gorgeoussss together.


Obviously, I had to include this beauty. Everyone and their aunt owns this palette and with the release of the new Subculture one..I have a lot to say about it.


Since these photos were taken,I’ve actually hit pan on the shade Primavera..which sucks because its my favourite along with Vermeer.I love them for highlighting and a nice shimmer,they just pop so much..so pretty. I can’t compare the two palettes side by side in terms of fall out or anything but I’ve seen enough reviews. Whilst this palette is pigmented and blends easily,Subculture apparently doesn’t. However, I find the shimmers in my palette crumble,therefore hit pan a lot faster and the fallout is ridiculous.

Obviously,this means when using this palette I do my eyes before my base so its not a big deal to me. I won’t be investing in Subculture tho because even though the colours look pretty, the price tag for something that poop ain’t worth it.

Again with this palette, I tend to reach for the shade Burnt Orange for my crease and sometimes Raw Sienna. Vermeer,Primavera,Buon Fresco,Antique Bronze,Vietnien Red,Red Ochre, Love Letter and Realgar are my absolute favourites. I really love playing with this palette on its own and seeing what I can do with it. So many people own it,so theres 100’s of tutorials online on what to do with it,the looks are endless with these 14 shades..think I’m a bit obsessed. I’m contemplating a second one so I can use Vermeer and the other shades still when they run out.


Too Faced Sweet Peach was my ride or die for a long time. Whenever I pick it up..I have to sniff it. IT.SMELLS.SO.GOOD. I’ve had it for awhile now and the smell is still there,still strong..I love it. Some people may find it sickly or too strong but I think it adds something more.


This palette is so stunning and I have no idea why I don’t reach for it more often. Well..I mainly got lazy,stopped doing my make up altogether and have only recently got back into it and am still being lazy by doing the same looks all the time.

I don’t really have a favourite shade in this palette because just looking at it,I am in love with the whole lot of them. Now that its the summer,I’m hoping to reach for this on a more day to day basis when I’m heading on days out to the park,the beach and things like that.  I know I’m going to spend hours upon hours playing with this palette and creating looks,I am beyond excited.


When I first got this palette for Christmas I wasn’t really big on make up. I don’t use it anymore but thought I’d mention it as its super affordable and brilliant for creating those simple everyday looks. I also think its perfect for if you’re just starting out with make up and want to ease your way in.

This was written way back in July but life got in the way and I lowkey forgot about it-oops. The part where I said I’m hoping to reach for Sweet Peach more now its summer-didn’t happen. Instead I got even lazier with my make up and have worn it maybe twice since July.. but to be fair I haven’t had the time with baby as she’s in a clingy always awake phase-not that I’m complaining! I love spending time with her.


BPD&Me-Being Diagnosed

TRIGGER WARNING: Brief mention of self harm/suicide and other symptoms of BPD in depth.

When I was diagnosed,I didn’t actually have the slightest idea of what it was. I’d been told for so long I probably had Bipolar disorder that I’d just gone with that. After I was hospitalised in January,I had a singular follow up appointment at hospital. I attended by myself,this was the first (and last) appointment I went to alone. I waited around for what felt like hours,the woman called me in,sat me down,briefly covered my history and got straight to the point.

“You have Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder?”


“Also known as Borderline Personality Disorder..any questions?”

Yes?Only like a million like firstly what the fuck is that? but instead I politely shook my head and smiled. I wasn’t given a leaflet or any further information. In fact I was discharged from the hospital all together and sent home. I was confused and frankly a little overwhelmed.

I told my sister first,then everyone else and we all did little research on it. I don’t know why its taken me this long to look it up more in depth,I guess I just didn’t want to know with it being personality related.

I feel like everything that makes me who I am,is fake. Its like I don’t know me anymore. I am more than certain part of that is to blame on being in an abusive relationship. I know that I trust too easily and love too hard,finding out these were part of being Borderline broke me a little,I thought the trusting people and loving people were good aspects of myself but it turns out,maybe if I didn’t have this mental health problem..I might not love or trust as easily.

In a way,it feels like I’ve had some sort of midlife crisis at 19 and I’m trying to figure out who I am and where I fit in,especially since my break up as thats all I’ve known for over two years.

My ex made me more alarmed about it as he hurled a lot of abuse at me, saying I was a shit person and a bad person and this,that and the other. It made me question myself even more. He lectured me about neglecting him because I’d be distant and cold with him..unfortunately a factor of BPD,no matter how many times I tried to explain this to him he was just adamant that I am very fucking shit person.

Luckily,I now understand that my BPD is very unpredictable,extremely up and down. One minute I can be the happiest girl on the planet and in a split second be really irritable and moody. Everyones experience with BPD differs,although there are similarities there is a wide spectrum of people with different symptoms of it.

For me personally, my anxiety and fears are sky high. I fear people abandoning me and leaving me massively to the point that I bite my nails and feel physically sick with worry. When my ex originally left,I was so desperate to stop him from leaving that I did anything he wanted and asked of me even if I wasn’t 100% comfortable. He knew that he could use me and take advantage of me by using this fear of mine against me,which in my opinion makes him the very fucking shit person.

Another sign of BPD,is not having a strong sense of who you are. This one speaks volumes to me because frankly I have no fucking clue what my likes and dislikes are,its sort of like I am a lot of different people but I like to look at it as I’ve got a lot of different likes..rather than changing who I am depending on who I am surrounded by but at this point,I have no idea.

Acting impulsively and doing things that may cause yourself harm is an extremely common role and symptom. This is another thing I do a lot. It can be something such as betting or gambling money,which I thought I did as a hobby or for fun but it turns out a lot of people with BPD get addicted to it..so thats fun,another thing to cross out as who I am. But there’s been points where my emotions are that intense that I’m on the floor sobbing uncontrollably,unable to breathe and then I’ll storm out of the house in pjs and no shoes. Its terrifying as its one of the most unpredictable things about this disorder.

Its also terrifying because I’ll be “checked out” and not recall/remember things as they happened. The most intense experience of this was in January,where I somehow got on a train and ended up over 30miles away from home..confused as fuck. I heard voices an alarming amount that day which is another shitty thing about it. I have two blogposts all about my experience on a MH unit that talks about that a lot more in depth.

In my experience,I keep everything bottled up because people just tell me I am exaggerating or overreacting. Then it’ll get to much and everything pours out of me like an explosion and mind goes faster than I can speak and literally everything comes out at once.

Sadly, self harm and suicide is a massive aspect of it to the point that suicidal thoughts are a daily occurrence. I have gotten control over my self harming now, I have thoughts about doing it but its about whether or not I crack and cave in. Luckily,Willow is a massive motivational factor in not doing anything stupid because I know I’d lose her. This being said,addiction is another horrible addition to the list of shit that is BPD.

I’ve heard different things about addiction but I think it depends on the symptoms of the person. For me personally, I know that if I were to act impulsively and do drugs,I’d become addicted. Therefore,I don’t go near them, I haven’t touched a single drug in my life,that hasn’t been prescribed. However,when I was younger and housebound I used to wake up and overdose on my sleeping medication so I would sleep for longer and that is how I got through 4 years of not leaving my house. Any medication I now have is handled and hid by Mum as a safety precaution. Other people though,can literally just switch there addiction off (apparently idk the facts,I’m still learning).

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The website mind.org.uk (screenshot above) have helped me massively in understanding my diagnosis. This above is just a few things I relate to and it makes me feel not so alone in the process. I recently spent a lot of money I don’t have after breaking up with my ex to make myself feel better. My ex often called me a child,infact our last phonecall ever,he turned around to me and said “You’re behaving like a child so I’m going to fucking punish you like a a child.” he also made me feel horrible throughout our relationship for being ‘immature’ saying he wanted to ‘grow up’ and I was a ‘child holding him back’. I think if he wanted to grow up so badly he wouldn’t be so quick to disregard others emotions and mental  health but thats just me.

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For as long as I can remember I’ve broken things off with partners out of fear of them leaving..it always end up me being the most upset though-oops. I avoid people,trusting and paranoia in relationships are just ugh. I have the black or white thinking-another thing my ex would practically bully me for. I am certain that the world is a scary dangerous place and I want to hide in my house from everyone and everything with Willow so nothing can harm us.

Mind also mention some of the positives,which for me have been very difficult to find but now I know my love is stronger for people because of BPD so Willow is basically the most loved baby ever. I am extremely empathetic/caring for people and will always try to help them and be genuine and sincere about it.

Part of me is sad that it took me this long into researching my illness because maybe just maybe,things would’ve worked out differently with babies Dad but then I remember the abusive side of it all. The fact he would purposefully put paranoia and anxiety into my head etc and I realise theres no chance of a recovery with people like him around.

This means I have to be extra strong and ignore him at all costs. I have to get better for myself and my gorgeous lil angel baby. If you read my thread on twitter (since been deleted) you’ll know a bit more about the ins and outs of it all, I think this break is beneficial for all three of us. He can work on himself and hopefully become a nicer better kinder person that I feel my daughter will be safe with and understand take time to whats important in life (hint:its not drugs or girls).



Willow’s First Birthday

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and in the blink of an eye,she is now one years old.

I don’t know how this post is going to go. I feel so emotional that my once tiny 6lbs 4oz baby has now been here for one whole year. To think she went from being this mini human that did nothing but sleep and eat,that I was too afraid to carry up and downstairs and bathe incase I dropped her into this fully fledge super hyperactive troublemaker,who never rests and still always eats.

Our journey together has been one hell of a roller coaster and I’d have it no other way. From seeing those two lines on the test,to seeing a little bean on a screen and holding her for the first time.

I wish that moment lasted a little longer as she was placed in my arms for the first time. I couldn’t believe she was here. I cannot believe its been an entire year since we first met each other. A whole 365 days with my best friend. She is my everything. She’s my strength when I struggle to get out of bed in the morning. She’s my little light in my dark times. It doesn’t matter how low I am,she always manages to make me smile and laugh.Its true what they say about a mothers love being the strongest form of love. Since having Willow, I have so much more appreciation for my own Mum and Willow adores her super Grandma. I don’t think I would’ve managed this year without my Mums constant unconditional support and help.

For her first birthday,we ended up doing a three day celebration. We started on Friday 11th (the day she was born). I spent the night before putting up decorations and laying all her presents on the table so it would be the first thing she saw. I honestly couldn’t wait to see her little face. At Christmas she was too young to acknowledge and appreciate it but now she was big enough to rip open the gifts herself.

I asked my Mum to bring her downstairs in the morning, so I could video her coming through the door and I am so glad I did. Her little face when she saw everything is another one of those moments I won’t ever forget and wish I could pause. She obviously didn’t completely understand but she was still excited either way. She kept clapping her hands and smiling with her two bottom teeth.

We spent the day playing with her new toys,she was so so spoilt. She got some pretty awesome toys to be honest including a drum,which is everything we didn’t know we needed for her. She absolutely adores it. We were going to go out for the day but Willow wasn’t very well that morning,she was being sick and not eating-which for her is very strange!

Late in the afternoon,family came to visit with their gifts and its safe to say my Grandparents went a bit nuts and brought the biggest things they could find. They also got her a specific toy that she fell in love with at Sainsbury’s,she goes there every week with my Grandparents  as they like to go to the cafe and Willow plays with this one toy in the kids section. Its a cookie jar with shapes that plays music,my lil smarty pants knows which shapes go where and she will sit there for ages just putting the shapes in and taking them out again.Doing it over and over again,she also hates other people touching it and will smack your hand away if you dare go near it.

We had a little cake after her dinner and it was the cutest thing ever. Another moment I just want to relive over and over with her. She looked terrified of the candle then out of nowhere went to grab it and got the giggles. I happened to capture her face when she saw the candle and its so funny.

The Saturday was her princess party,we spent all morning decorating the house and preparing the food. I only know one person IRL who has children so they came and then six other people as well. Our house is only tiny so it was very cramped and crowded . This is also the day Peppa Pig over took my entire life. I didn’t realise how much Peppa Pig stuff there actually is in the world but take one peek into my livingroom window and you’ll get a brief idea. So many Peppa Pig cards,books,stuffed toys,clothes and even a Peppa Pig backpack..we have one very happy one year old and thats all that matters. (As I’m writing this she is watching Peppa Pig of course)

She was very unsure/shy and whenever she got used to the people around,more would arrive and she would be back into shy mode. Do not be fooled tho,she is very far from shy! She managed to fight nap time for quite a while before finally falling asleep before the rest of our guest arrived.

After her nap,she opened more gifts from people that had arrived during her nap. Then..my friends little boy kept taking her dummy out of her mouth. She would cry,he would panic and shove it back in. At one point,he thought her dummy was her baby brothers and then he took her dummy again,and gave her a KISS. One going on sixteen over here. I am still in  shock. Nah but in all honesty it was absolutely adorable,Willow wasn’t impressed.

My friends seven week old baby also came and I have never changed my mind so fast. Since having Willow, I’ve said I won’t have more as I had such a bad pregnancy and labour but holding a lil baba again and seeing how gentle Willow was with him made me burst and now I need all the babies. I’m gonna have fifty.

We totally forgot to do the cake when the guest were here so we ended up doing it later on and it was a Peppa Pig cake. Willow loved it more than anything.

Sunday, we went to my Dads side of the family. Once again,she was spoilt rotten. She got a pink princess play tent which I think is extremely appropriate and more Peppa pig stuff. She also got her first baby doll which she loves cuddling and then throwing on the floor to laugh at.

My Dad,his girlfriend,her granddaughter,my sister,Willow and I went to the park. We took my Aunties dog and spent some time on the swings,slides etc. All I learnt from this experience is I’m not as small as I thought I was and going on a slide with a baby on your knee is so much hassle,she had a blast tho and her lil face was so worth it.

Those few days making unforgettable,irreplaceable memories were so damn perfect. She was none stop smiling because she just knew those days were all about her and she knows she is a perfect lil princess.

I wish I could spam all the photos from her birthday because she looks absolutely adorable in every single photo but certain individuals don’t deserve to see what she got up to.

Next week,we’re heading on our first holiday together and I am so excited for so many more firsts. She’s going to be swimming for the first time,going to the beach etc then we’re going to the zoo when we come back, I can’t wait! Making memories with my girl makes me the happiest person on the damn planet. Just seeing her excitement and curiosity is just everything. Its time to see what the next year brings for my little angel and I,loads more adventures I’m sure.



Dear Emma,

Thank you.

We had been to the same highschool but we didn’t know eachother back then. We first met after you found out we were going to be attending the same college and after speaking on Facebook for a few weeks, you invited me to go to a party with you. WE clicked instantly and it was like I had known you my whole life. Thank you for being one of the people to kick me up the ass and get me leaving the house again.

You were always so honest with your opinions on the guys I was dating and made it very clear you didn’t approve of my choices. I will never forget the rants I’d receive whenever I took a dickhead back after promising I wouldn’t.

I love how we never said ‘hi,how are you?’ you’d just jump right in with a rant or some gossip or straight up tell me how you were doing and vice versa. I miss our conversations so much. I miss being able to pop up at any hour,mainly during the night and getting one of your huge motivational paragraphs.

I miss you so much.

You will never understand how grateful I am that you were apart of my life. You were there when nobody else was. When I was in the mental health unit you were the only friend who didn’t ditch me and reminded me why I was here.

You will never know how grateful I am that you were in Willows. I remember how excited you were when we found out I was pregnant and how motivated you were to meet her.

I will never forget how excited you were when I asked you to be her godmother. There was nobody else I trusted or wanted. When I knew we were going to christen her I knew instantly it would be you. You were someone I knew I could rely on to take care of my baby and I know you will look out for her from heaven. She will always know who you are, your ‘lil squishy’.

When I had nothing for Willow,you provided her with everything. I will never forget when you told us you’d found a cot for us,we were so desperate and Auntie Emma came through! I will never forget you walking in our house with your Mum with a walker and 3 or 4 massive bags of clothes,blankets and all sorts of random baby shit. Your poor Mum was struggling to carry them all out of the car they were that big.

I don’t think I could’ve planned Willows first birthday without your input and I know you will be there in spirit.

I will think of you whenever Ed Sheeran plays,which is an awful lot and it makes me so happy that you got to meet him.

I promise to keep every single promise I made to you and I will always look for you in the night sky. I can’t wait to catch up with you when my time is up and talk about all our crazy adventures.

Thank you so much for being the best second Mummy to our girl. We love you so fucking much and I miss you more and more every single day.

I love you,sleep tight x


Emma Louise Cosgrove 17th June 1998- 24th June 2017. Forever 19.



Willow’s Tenth Month Update

This month has been incredibly special but also devastating. I’ll start with the positives first though I think.

Willow has finally learnt how to clap. I feel as though most babies do this much earlier but Willow was never interested beforehand.

She has also started to take steps! Which is absolutely crazy and I hate it so much because I just want her to be little forever but I am so incredibly proud of her.

She loves Peppa Pig more than anything and anyone. Her excitement when Peppa comes on TV or we’re reading her Peppa Pig storybook is adorable and I savour every single moment.

If she’s not sleeping then she’s eating. She loves food which is great but she is getting so big!! My tiny 6lbs 4oz baby is more than double that now!!

She’s been sleeping in her cot! It was more me than her,I’d let her sleep in her cot until I missed her and then she would be back in my arms but still a good milestone to mention.

Her two top teeth are coming through which has been a bit of a nightmare. She’s forever biting and crying in pain and it hurts my heart.

We’ve had to get rid of her car walker/bouncer/swing in one that her Aunt Emma got her a few months ago as she has now started to climb on it when in her seat.

She also had a cute push-a-long lion thingy that she sat on,she had it for five minutes before we had to put it away as all she wants to do is climb!

She’s mastered climbing onto the sofa..I can’t.

She still fits in 3-6 and 6-9 mainly even tho..her birthday..is exactly ONE MONTH AWAY. I’m so emotional! I cannot believe she is one soon. I can’t deal. My heart can’t handle it.

Annoyingly,she has learnt how to strip and take her onesies off. How? I have no idea. She is quite strong for her age though.

Towards the end of the month,she’s started sleeping through the night in her cot without a bottle!! Waking at 7am!

She is such a happy baby and I couldn’t be more proud of how big she’s getting. Every little milestone makes my heart burst with pride.

Sadly,this month she had experienced her first loss,obviously she’s too young to understand but I promise she will never forget. For those who don’t know my best friend Emma Cosgrove gained her wings on the 24th June. She was Willow’s second Mummy and my heart is completely broken.

My focus has been getting little things to help Willow remember and know who Emma is as she is growing up. I’ve got her a canvas of one of my most favourite photos of newborn Willow cripping Em’s finger printed and a necklace with an angel wing and a heart with the letter E. Its so important to me that Willow always remembers who Emma is,she was her godmother and now she is her guardian angel.

Sorry if this one has been shorter than others,in all honesty, I haven’t the motivation to write every thing shes been up to this month as my heart is too broken but I knew I wanted to be consistent with the monthly updates. Hope you understand x